You’ve been single too long when...

Young Woman sitting on Bench, holding sleeping Cat in Arms

Young Woman sitting on Bench, holding sleeping Cat in Arms

Published Jun 13, 2013

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Johannesburg - Being single has its merits. You can eat what you want, when you want. You can watch foodie channels on TV all day long. You can paint your living room in bright colours and no one will object, or leave your room in a mess, because who is there to complain?

The day might come, though, when you wonder if you’ve been single for too long. You realise your single life habits have become as ingrained as the pattern on your wooden dining table.

Here are some of the symptoms you might recognise:

* The sight of touchy-feely couples makes you nostalgic and despairing, or nasty and sarcastic.

* Mr Delivery has become your new mister. And you’re on first-name terms with the guys at the Chinese takeaway, Scooters and Steers. Who needs cuddles when there’s comforting junk food?

* You’re on your 10th contract at the DVD shop.

* You haven’t stepped on the scale for months, nay, years. What’s the point?

* TV is your best friend. You know all the characters of your favourite soapie and know their stories better than your own.

* Spousal crimes on the Crime & Investigation channel vindicate your decision to stay unattached. Better the devil you know – yourself – than the devils out there.

* Your wardrobe is full of tracksuit pants and leggings. Comfy socks with holes in them are right at hand in the top of the chest of drawers.

* Time was when you hung up your clothes neatly. Now they tend to land up inside out on the floor or on the chair.

* Your grocery basket contains: six eggs, four toilet rolls, frozen sliced bread, one-litre of long-life milk, two packets of instant noodles, two apples, a packet of microwave popcorn and a tin of cat food.

* Your ex, the one you swore off for life, is beginning to seem attractive again.

* You’ve started to talk out loud to yourself, and you don’t care who sees.

* Make-up isn’t a perennial in your handbag anymore. Nor is a brush. In fact, you don’t notice these days when your hair looks frizzy.

* Everyone – even the desperate widower in the office – seems to relate to you in a strictly platonic way, which leaves you wondering if there’s a shred of attractiveness left in you. Which leads you to the fridge.

* Mirrors are for making living rooms look bigger.

* On the rare occasion you throw a dinner party, you wish by 9pm that everyone would bugger off home.

* Saturday mornings are spent in the hardware store.

* You’ve learnt to project manage renovations, and that a spirit level isn’t a tot of liquor.

* You stay in bed an entire day – to read.

* Your dining table has become your workspace.

* You have meaningful conversations with the cat, and she understands you. Deeply.

* Women in killer heels incite a thought that, if it could be seen, would be eyes cast to heaven.

* You haven’t yet collected the card for the gym membership you signed for in the new year.

* Dressing up isn’t the fun it used to be. It’s a bore and a chore. - The Star

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