A new way to tame tantrums

We all want to help our children with the things they struggle with.

We all want to help our children with the things they struggle with.

Published Feb 5, 2015

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London - Mabel, nearly four, is standing on the edge of the swimming pool rolling her eyes at me.

‘You be the mermaid and I’ll be the human,’ she instructs and hurtles to the other side like a battery-powered Usain Bolt.

‘Don’t run, Mabel’ I say for the millionth time, ‘it’s dangerous.’ Even the lifeguard, who’s napping intermittently and looks only a little older than Mabel, is slightly alarmed at the spectacle.

‘JUST BE A MERMAID!’ yells my daughter in her raspy, foghorn voice. Heads turn. A mom with a newborn tuts disapprovingly. That must be baby number one I conclude, because she’s obviously thinking: ‘I will never let my child shout at me like that.’ (Boy, is she in for a shock when the avalanche of tantrums hits with the terrible twos).

I grab a grumpy Mabel, which is like wrestling a slippery eel, and carry her wet, wriggly body back to the changing room. Next, she slips out of her cossie quicker than a contestant on dating show Take Me Out and shoots off again.

It takes me ages to get her in enough clothes to brave the Arctic weather outside. She howls in the car when I reveal I’ve forgotten to bring a snack. ‘I will never forgive you,’ she says dramatically before unpopping her seat belt (her latest trick).

By the time we get home, my patience is wearing thin. She disappears upstairs and I follow to find her drawing on our newly painted walls with an Elsa from Frozen lipsalve.

‘Toy Liony came to life by magic and did it,’ she fibs, gesturing at the greasy smears.

‘I’m really, really cross now, Mabel,’ I say loudly in my outdoor voice. ‘It’s time for Time Out.’

But wait, I can’t make her do ‘Time Out’ can I? Time Out is over for us as a disciplinary tool now that a US psychiatrist has officially classed it as ‘useless’ (a technical parenting term).

There is another, more caring and effective way to tell a child off than separation from the tribe and banishment to a stair. And this week I have been trying it out. With some success, despite my initial cynicism.

About ten years ago Time Out was all the rage thanks to those titans of telling off, Super Nanny Jo Frost and child therapist Professor Tanya Byron. The so-called ‘naughty step’ was the way to stop bad behaviour.

But it’s all changed now. On Saturday, after an argument-fraught morning with my four children, a friend suggested I Google New York Times best-seller No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way To Calm The Chaos And Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, by Dr Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

Based on research into the neuroscience of children’s brains and their inability to deal with ‘big feelings’, the book suggests moms and dads talk it out - to teach, not punish.

So far so touchy-feely, but bear with me because it seems to work - well it has for a week with my lot, aged between three and 12.

And the reason it’s worth trying is because, in terms of brain activity, excluding or shouting at your child is as upsetting for them as smacking, according to research carried out for the book.

It also implies it’s devastating for brain development, tells them you only want them when they are able to keep it together and fills them with a sense of rejection and fear.

To be honest, this was upsetting. Tiny arrows of sadness speared my heart as I thought Time Out was a good idea.

The book says Time In, where you quietly explain you understand that he/she is struggling to control an explosion of emotions (of which there are many, such as tiredness, hunger and confusion), and that you’re there to help, has a better long-term outcome.

And having tried it with my contrary 11-year-old and my tantrum-prone three-year-old, I can say that it does work. You obviously have to develop the patience of a thousand Buddhist monks initially, but if you can grit your teeth and do that, arguments are, indeed, over more quickly and apologies more forthcoming. One was even unprompted.

So I took the lipsalve from Mabel and told her how sad I was (remembering she had woken up very early that day, no doubt the cause of the uncontrollable outbursts).

I wasn’t sure it had any impact until an hour later when she brought me all the lipsalves she has for voluntary confiscation.

I am not making this up. And it’s nothing to do with Liony’s magic. It just seems to work.

Lorraine Candy is editor-in-chief of Elle.

Daily Mail

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