When she heard she was carrying triplets, Zelda Steenkamp, 36, was taken aback.
Now she feels blessed, even though the two baby boys and a girl are not with her at the Benoni home that she shares with her husband and two daughters.
They’re with their father, a single gay man who commissioned her as a surrogate.
“I know how desperately some people want children and I believed this is something I really needed to do,” she tells Verve in an interview.
“I discussed it with my partner, who said I must follow my heart. I started researching surrogacy and came across a website called baby2mom.co.za
“I liked what I read and phoned Jenny Currie, who runs it. I believe it was meant to be, because in no time she matched me with a single guy of the same age as me, who desperately wanted kids.
“He and I met and clicked immediately. I found him softhearted and genuine. He said he liked my sense of humour and my outlook on life. I’m a calm person even though I’m a performing artist – I write my own songs and perform at corporate gigs and festivals.
“As the incubator, I think it’s important that you are calm because the babies can feel if you are stressed or anxious.
“The commissioning father and I entered into a legal agreement, and the fertilisation of his selected donor eggs with his sperm took place at a fertility clinic in Sandton.
“The doctors at the fertility clinic normally implant two or three fertilised eggs into the surrogate mother in the hope that at least one takes. In my case, all three took.
“When I heard I was pregnant with triplets I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The commissioning father was speechless and ecstatic. He said he couldn’t have asked for anything better,” says Steenkamp.
“He has a wonderfully supportive family, and he and his family were completely there for me during my pregnancy. If he could not make it to the scan, his mom or sister would come with me.
(Single males or male couples must, by law, provide proof that there will be a female influence in the child’s life.)
“The back-up from my family was also incredible,” says Steenkamp. “My daughters would rub my feet at night and they all helped me so much because, as full term approached, it became very heavy carrying three babies.
“ I knew exactly where they were all lying and they behaved differently at different times. The baby girl was always active when I was in the bath.
“At 33 weeks, my waters broke and my family rushed me to the Sandton Clinic. The father-to-be and his family were there to support me.”
Steenkamp gave birth by Caesarean section to the triplets on October 24 last year. The babies each weighed 1.5kg and were moved to the ICU neonatal unit where they stayed for a month.
“When the father first held them, he said he had never felt so in love in his whole life,” says Steenkamp.
“All three of them are absolutely perfect and gorgeous. He adores them and is a hands-on dad, feeding them, changing their nappies and spending all his time with them.
“As their surrogate mother I am so happy they are in such good hands. Even though they are not my babies, it is natural to feel an attachment to them.
“Unusually, their dad has asked me to remain in their lives. Most surrogate agreements stipulate that the relationship ends at the birth,” says Steenkamp. “He wants them to know I carried them and I am happy about this.
“I wouldn’t be a surrogate again because, as I said, it was quite heavy carrying, but it was an amazing experience and I feel I will be truly blessed for the rest of my life.”
According to South African law, surrogate mothers have to have at least one living child. This helps to minimise emotional complications when it is time to give up the child.
For commissioning parents, the process can be an expensive one as they have to pay legal fees to draw up surrogacy agreements, pay for in vitro fertilisation, cover the mother’s medical expenses and her loss of income during pregnancy.
Another gay man who completed his surrogacy agreement in April cautions other commissioning parents to have a clear idea of the process and costs involved.
Forty-year-old Steve, who wants to stay anonymous, says: “I am fortunate enough to be able to pay the R450 000 it will ultimately cost me, but I had no idea of the amounts involved when I first took the decision to be a commissioning parent.”
Steve, who is gay, had to find an egg donor and a surrogate.
Selecting his donor eggs was highly important for him. “My first criterion was intelligence. You are given a comprehensive background on the person and, while it is difficult to gauge intelligence on paper, I chose someone with a university degree and a good family history.
“I also selected on lifestyle and physical attributes – I am fair with light eyes, so I chose someone with similar characteristics as I would like the child to vaguely look like me.”
The egg donor remained anonymous.
With his choice of the surrogate mother, he was more concerned that she was a healthy, relaxed person because he believes the experience in the womb plays a significant role in the child’s life.
“I read an article in Time Magazine that explained how one-third of a child’s make-up is nature, another third is nurture and the final third is their experience in the womb.”
Steve is awaiting the second fertilisation process. The first did not succeed.
“I am happy with my surrogate mother, but I am using different donor eggs this time as the doctor was not completely satisfied with the first ones,” he explains.
Steve says that while he would have liked to become a father with a partner, he has not yet found the right person and did not want to wait any longer. “Doing it on my own is daunting but I have strong family support. My mother’s support really surprised me because she comes from a strong Christian background.
“I want to have a child while I am still young enough, so that I can take him or her camping and hiking and do all the dad things.” - The Star