London - What to do when you suspect your friend is in an abusive relationship...
Offer your support
It's never going to be an easy conversation to have, but simply telling them that you suspect what's going on is a good way to start. In the time it's taken for you to notice it chances are they've thought about telling you, and even if they'd talked themselves out of it before, knowing that they're not alone is a huge step towards confessing the truth.
Let them know you're there for them, and be there as much as possible. Tell them it's not their fault and that what's happening is wrong. If they call, terrified, at 3am, be there. If they leave with a bag packed and show up at your door, be there. Let them know that your support can be counted on, as much as possible.
Prep them up!
A lot of the time, abuse starts with the mind. By the time you find out about it, your friend might have been told that they're worthless, useless, ugly or incompetent a thousand times. Tell them the exact opposite! Let them know their worth and keep their confidence up.
An abused partner is often isolated from friends and family, so try to keep them involved with things as much as possible. Even if they're restricted from going by their partner, at least they know they're not alone and are being thought of.
Don't judge
We all want what's best for our loved ones but things can be a lot more complicated than we realise. Don't be judgmental when they refuse to leave, or go back, or make excuses for the abuser's behaviour. Often, abuse is much more psychological than physical, especially in the beginning, and they will need to come to their own conclusions about what to do.
There's nothing wrong with offering advice, but judging will do little to help.
Don't force their hand
So we're offering advice, we're giving support, and still our friend is in this abusive relationship. It can be incredibly tempting to do something about it on their behalf, particularly after something happens, but recognise that this can be dangerous.
Things can be a lot more complicated on the inside, especially where children or vulnerable people are also involved. Take photos of any physical injuries or bruises and keep a journal of when things happen, until they're finally ready to do something.
Recognise that every situation is different
Even if you've had direct experience of abusive relationships before, no two situations are ever the same. There are so many charities and organisations out there who can help with advice, so if you really feel like you need to do something more than the above, contact them.
Tell them what you know, what the circumstances are as far as you can see, as they may be able to give you more detailed advice.
* Natalie Martin is the author of the novel Love You Better.
* In South Africa, call lifelinesa.co.za
Female First
Want to talk to IOL Lifestyle? Please email us on [email protected], or use our Facebook pages to comment on our stories - or talk to us on Twitter. The links are attached to the bottom of all our stories.