Small sharing plates are not for the hangry and faint-hearted. Picture from Pinterest.

And when it comes to facetious food trends, I feel okay with writing seething, over-the-top opinion pieces that accomplish nothing. Sometimes you need to vent. I’ve internalized my disdain for random food trends for far too long, soaking them into my ecosystem. Now I’m ready to say goodbye.

I’m going to print out this article out and set it aflame in my braai stand to signify a fresh start. Here are the food trends I hope to never see again come 2019.

Is this concoction the next superfood? Doesn’t matter, it’s gross. Picture from Pinterest.

Mushroom Drinks

Are you seriously telling me that funky mushroom powder tastes better than freshly roasted coffee or a nice matcha latte? I’m not saying mushrooms aren’t good for you, I’m just saying they taste much better basted with butter and thyme than mixed with water and powdered chocolate.

These “elixirs” promise more than my ex-boyfriends and claim to be “nature’s viagra”, to sharpen your subconsciousness, boost your chakras, clear your karma, inspire your next novel and get back your lost lover. Enough is enough!

Small sharing plates are not for the hangry and faint-hearted. Picture from Pinterest.

Really small sharing plates

“Okay, I’ve been Punk’d”, is how I feel when presented with a boerewors roll shaped “salad” the size of a corn nib. PLEASE BRING BACK HUMAN-SIZED PLATES IN 2019 (maybe they’re in storage).

Cinnamon coconut chips. Picture from Pinterest.

Coconut chips aren’t potato chips

That’s it.

Sweet Potato Hummus with Cinnamon. Picture from Pinterest.

Sweet hummus

I can’t believe we had the audacity to even go there. Chocolate shavings with chickpeas? That’s where the extra virgin goes! If I attend a dinner party where there’s a bowl of pita chips next to some hummus and it turns out to be sweet (and deceitful), I’m calling the police.

Lemon garlic butter scallops. Picture from Pinterest.

Scallop invasion

Some geniuses figured out that everyone loves scallops because they are perfect. And after they chuckled and picked Lindt chocolate off their cashmere sweaters, they put scallops on every menu, everywhere. I’ll have the scallops, I sigh, because as basic and omnipresent as they are. I’m always suckered into ordering them. However, dream weirder, fish buyers!