10 tips to affair-proof your marriage

South Africa's porn reality show looks set to go ahead despite recent mishaps.

South Africa's porn reality show looks set to go ahead despite recent mishaps.

Published Apr 8, 2011

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Why do some people cheat on their partners? There are many reasons, but essentially they fall into one of two categories. The first is an add-on. The couple might have a good relationship and a great sex life but the cheating partner simply wants the excitement of an affair, or the ego boost provided by a new lover. Or maybe sex is so important that when an opportunity arises, it's grabbed eagerly with both hands.

The other is a fill-in. One partner may feel there's something missing in their relationship, that their partner is emotionally distant, or their sex life is lacking - and so he or she seeks it elsewhere. Whatever the reason, sexual betrayal hurts. And if discovered, it can destroy your relationship quicker than the latest Trojan virus.

While there are many components to a strong, lasting marriage, I believe a couple's sex life is extremely important. Yes, there are those who stop having sex but choose to remain together. Yet the importance of sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship cannot be underestimated. It's a defining feature. It distinguishes between our love for our partner and our love for everyone else in our lives.

So when it comes to taking action to decrease the likelihood of our partner straying, we can view this from the perspective of the above two categories. If married to an opportunistic hedonist, for instance, there's probably little you can do. No matter how fantastic your sex life is your partner is still likely to seek those furtive, ego-boosting add-ons. It's not you - it's him. Or her.

But a lacklustre, emotionally disconnected love life is something you definitely can turn on its head. Now I'm not suggesting that boredom in the bedroom justifies an affair. Yet this potential portal for a marriage virus is a reality we can face up to - and lock down. If you're looking to fortify your relationship sexually, here are a few suggestions you might like to consider:

 

1. Make a pact with yourself to stop being boring when it comes to sex. Treat this as an amazing adventure to embark on, as if you're studying towards a new degree or learning to surf. Get some great books or DVDs, read up on sex techniques and positions, and try them out.

2. Pick something new, regularly, and put it into action. Never tried oral sex on your partner? Always dreamed of sex standing up in the shower? Want to give tantric sex a whirl? Now's the time to break new ground. It may expand your sexual repertoire beyond your wildest dreams.

3. Explore your own sexual add-ons. Find props that make it more fun for both of you, that heighten desire and arousal. Buy some sexy lingerie, role play with each other in fantasy outfits, invest in those five-inch stilettos. Be daring and try a sex toy or two, and throw in some fun flavoured lubricants.

4. Look for sexual opportunities that take you and your lover out of your rut, off the beaten track. Be inventive. Grab a moment away from your home to make passionate love. Try the great outdoors. Book a weekend in a cottage and christen every room, chair, table, shower, the back seat of your car parked in the garage. Sex away from your usual playground can be invigorating.

5. Plan regular sex. It may seem cold scheduling it into your weekly timetable, but if your lives are hectically busy it's important to make time to be intimate. Maintenance sex, as it's called, is vital for long-term relationships. How frequent should it be? Ask your partner how many sessions a week they consider ideal, ask yourself the same question, then come to a fair compromise - with some flexibility built in.

6. Have quickie sex. There's nothing like the excitement of grab-'em, rub-'em-up and get-it-off passionate sex to add pulse-racing sparkle. Plan one or two romantic sessions with loads of foreplay, alternating with 5-10 minute quickies. Find shortcuts that prepare you physically, if needed. Using a lubricant can help women tremendously (dry sex if unaroused can lead to tiny tears internally, inviting infection).

7. Sex doesn't always have to be penetrative intercourse. If you don't particularly feel like sex but your lover does, be generous and spoil him or her with loving attention ending in multiple orgasms. (Guys can have these too - stop him ejaculating during orgasm by pressing a finger firmly on his perineum.) Treat your lover to oral sex, or get a vibrator out and explore your partner's body to their delight.

8. Allow for sexual growth. Just as our relationships change and deepen as we mature, so do our sexual wants and tastes. Over a relaxed glass of wine, ask your lover to open up about his or her deepest, darkest sexual fantasies, and reciprocate. If saying them out loud seems awkward, write them down. Then agree to give them all a go (or most, if some are utterly unappealing), one by one. You'll be amazed at how your sexual boundaries expand.

9. Relax with sex. It's messy, noisy and undignified. Learn to laugh at it, to take the act less seriously. Laughter in bed can inject a new dimension - it bonds us like nothing else. Think back to your teenage years and how much silly fun you had with your friends, what you still remember as the good times. Recreate that silliness and laughter with your lover in bed, and you'll burn those moments into your collective sexual memory.

10. Show your gratitude. There's nothing that generates happiness more than recognising and vocalising how much we have to be grateful for. If your lover made your earth move, thank him or her profusely and sincerely. Smile, kiss and hug your appreciation. Say what things you loved the most and you're inviting a repeat erotic performance. Over and over.

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