4 ways to put the spark back into your marriage

By Marchelle Abrahams Time of article published Sep 10, 2018

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When Tracy Ziman Jacobs speaks, you’ll listen. In fact, you’ll hang onto every word she says and take notes.

The intimacy and relationship coach knows a thing or two about the human body and how it responds to touch.

Skilled in the art of therapeutic counselling, the 42-year-old mom of three, realised something was untoward when her friends started talking among themselves in hushed tones in the school parking lot. “Women were not having sex with their hubbies. They felt disconnected from themselves. I realised I have to empower these women,” says the vivacious Ziman Jacobs.

Now the owner of her own consultancy, Totally Me, she has found her true calling in helping couples go beyond their current intimacy levels and rekindle the passion.

So, what’s the recipe for a loving relationship? Ziman Jacobs explains…

Self love

Ziman Jacobs says too often women blame the break down of their marriage on men. “Women need to take responsibility for their sexuality and sensuality,” she adds.

It all comes down to sex and experimenting yourself . “You will realise that you enjoy it; you will do it more often; you will want it more often.

“The body has muscle memory. It will want it more. The more you starve your body of what is good, the more it will just stop wanting it.”

The power of touch

Touch is the way couples feel satisfied in their relationships. Through romantic touch or sensual massage, they can experience a heightened sense of body connection that takes them to a deeper level of intimacy, explains Ziman Jacobs.

Tracy Ziman Jacobs

“Men need touch too. When they get into bed and they reach for us, they are asking for nurturance and touch and connection,” she reveals.

“So often we push them away because we see their advances as needing sex. But really they are just asking for comfort and reassurance.”

She goes on to warn women that when your man reaches for you, think of it as him wanting an intimate connection instead of sex.


Ziman Jacobs understands that being a parent and a partner is a delicate balancing act. “Kids dictate what’s going to happen, they change everything and nobody prepares us for that,” she says.

She’s observed that many women get their physical needs met through bonding with their baby, whereas men still want intimacy through sex.

“When you are in synergy with the one you love, you are in a good space and you will find that you sleep better, work better, have more patience with your children and be far more productive.

She also adds that good sexual health is great for creativity, boosts oxytocin (also known as the love hormone) and serotonin.

“The bottom line is that connecting with your partner and being in a good space is wonderful for everyone, all round.”

Have an affair

Start an affair with your partner.

Ziman Jacobs says marriages can be up for this, and the excitement of meeting up in secret can be exhilarating.

“Start to pretend you’re having an affair with your husband. Start it and keep it going - not just for Valentine’s Day - because it’s an investment for your future.”

She’s found from her years of experience that young relationships are in serious need of this type of role play.

“And then there are couples in their 30s and 40s who desperately need it because they are distracted by children.”

She suggests couples start sending texts, and then start meeting in cheap hotels (but not too cheap). “Send lingerie, send perfume, send flowers, send dirty messages. Go where you would go in an affair. Who else would you go there with?”

* For more info, email [email protected] or visit her website: www.totallymetracy.co.za

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