There are stories that end in marriage and others that end with being ripped off, abused or even stalked. But the majority of testimonials about internet dating since it hit the South African social scene in the early 2000s are surprisingly akin to the complex, messy, hit-and-miss tales that have always defined romantic relationships.
A typical internet dating tale reads along the lines of: “I met some cool people, some of whom became good friends,” says 40-year-old Cindy. “One or two encounters even resulted in a romance.
“The fact that both romances did not go anywhere in the end can’t be blamed on the fact that I met both men online. We were simply not compatible, which can also happen when you meet someone in a club or at a braai.”
Thandiwe, 34, reports: “I was online for a couple of years, but I didn’t take it very seriously. I only went on a handful of dates over that time. Half were dodgy and one-offs, and a couple turned into long-term friends, but none were material for romance.”
“I have only had dodgy experiences. How many creeps does a girl have to navigate to find a nice frog?” complains 42-year-old Pat.
However lukewarm its outcomes, there is no doubt that internet dating has begun to shake off its initial stigma and become a valid way of finding love, friendship and sex in South Africa.
The Dating Lab, provider of 20 mainstream sites including Datingbuzz.co.za and IOLdating.co.za, as well as six speciality sites including Jewishbuzz.co.za and 12tomeetsenior.com, continues to grow its bank of subscribers, and at present has about 750 000 profiles on its sites, according to founder David Burstein.
“Since March 2001, we’ve had 2.8 million profiles set up. This is high if you look at the percentage of the population with access to the internet. In fact, as a proportion of the online population, our figures probably look similar to the UK’s. It shows that the stigma has definitely dissipated as the market has matured,” he says.
The user profile also looks quite similar to those in the UK – “50 percent of users are 24 to 35 years old, and mostly white (45 percent, compared to 24 percent black),” says Burstein.
Where it differs is that there are more men than women on local dating sites. “In the UK the challenge is to get more men, to balance things out. We have the opposite challenge here, because men have more access to the internet than women, particularly during work hours when usage peaks,” he says.
Still, we have a way to go before it becomes as prolific – and specialised – as it is abroad. According to a study in the US by Match.com, online is now the third most common way for people to meet (others are “through work/school” and “through friends/family”), especially among 20-somethings.
“In the UK, it seems to be far more accepted with all age groups,” says Letitia, my Facebook friend who moved to London three years ago.
“A friend’s teenagers conduct their whole social and dating life online. Also, I know of a few high flyers whose only way of meeting is online.”
The objective of online dating providers is to increase their success rates, thus the impetus for increasingly specialised sites. In the US, there is even a site, chemistry.com, that undertakes to ensure the right “chemistry” match, based on a personality test developed by an anthropologist, Dr Helen Fisher.
“In South Africa there’s not as much discernment between different sites, though there are clear distinctions between them in respect of education, religion and sexual orientation,” says Burstein.
Finer distinctions will come in time, though, judging by the success of 12meetsenior.com, which has shown that mature individuals have adopted online as a method of looking for like-minded companions, if not lovers.
Catering to the huge demographic that is not online, meanwhile, are mobile dating forums like Flirtnet, love2meet and a relatively new one, Rate’nDate, which despite being only five years old boasts half-a-million active subscribers, according to its product manager Shezanne Socher.
“Mobile dating is huge in South Africa, because it caters to people in the lower LSM (living standards measure) group – most of them between 18 and 25 years old – who don’t necessarily have internet access. We are also fast expanding into other African countries like Nigeria, Kenya and Ghana,” she says.
A typical Rate’nDate testimony reads: “Hey am absolutely feeling great here life is wonderful am getting advices and am nearly to get someone to marry me am engaged rate n date keep it up am realy proud about this service yeah yeah (sic).”
The internet dating sites rely far more on algorithms (computer calculations) to find suitable matches, which is why mobile dating is looked on by the industry as fun, flirty texting more than anything else. But however advanced the algorithms get, internet dating can never supplement the intangible cues that come into play during a “real” date.
Ruth, who tried internet dating and says she actually flew to New Mexico to meet someone, eventually married a man she had known for years.
“…We met by chance at a wedding. We discovered so many similarities, obvious and not so obvious – emotional stuff, which I think we picked up in our body language and pheromones. Goodness knows how we knew, which is why I don’t really think e-mail stuff works. You can’t smell the person.”
Anna, 40-something and single, suggests too that people who feed their romantic dreams via a computer monitor tend to delude themselves.
“You meet people in the real world all the time, so why don’t they excite you enough to want to spend a romantic evening with any one of them? On the internet there are all these apparently fascinating people, but when you date them a couple of times you realise they’re the same ‘boring people’ you’ve been meeting all along,” she says.
Nick is even more cynical. “Online can be a good way to make that first introduction, but I dare say the longer one hides behind a computer, the worse one’s chances are of being a suitable mate or finding one,” he says.
On the other hand, there’s no denying that connecting online, whether for love, sex or companionship, works for many, not only because your net is spread so wide (the percentages game) but because it can be much better at finding compatibilities and weeding out non-options than a conversation in a club or a bar.
“Meeting in a club is passé and clichéd, and striking up a relationship at work or through friends is both limiting and tricky,” says Burstein. “The internet encourages conversations that wouldn’t necessarily happen in real situations, and also allows women to become hunters, levelling the playing field.”
As to the well-documented dangers, Burstein contends that these are “in every other environment as well”.
“You need to be sensible. Everything your mother told you was true. If you wouldn’t go home with a stranger, apply the same standard online,” he advises.
Veteran internet daters have a few more cautions to add to this.
Elsabe, who finally met someone she’s now dating in earnest, advises: “Hone your sixth sense. Look at the photo accompanying the profile. Is he in a Speedo, or next to a luxury sports car? He’s trying to project an image.
“If he says he’s ‘back on the site after a year’, he’s a serial online dater. Be wary of guys looking for ‘friendship’ who are based in another city, then ‘suddenly come to your city for business’. They want a fling away from home.
“Don’t have your profile up for longer than about six weeks. The longer you’re on, the staler the responses,” says Elsabe.
“Beware the narcissists, there are lots of those! I found guys who hadn’t even bothered to read my profile but quite happily rattled on about themselves. Or I’d ask a question, but get no answer, a clear indication of someone totally self-absorbed or who is cutting and pasting info and sending to numerous people. Then there are the needy ones. You usually pick this up by the second or third correspondence. Block them.”
If it’s gone swimmingly, and the time has come to divulge your e-mail address, use a hotmail or gmail address, and don’t give too much personal info, Elsabe warns. Finally, “be prepared to put in a lot of effort. The longer you communicate, the more you get to grips with the person’s personality and intentions. Then you progress to a phone call, and a meeting, which will determine whether it has any chance in the real world, or if you have to return to the screen!” - The Star
* Some names have been changed.
Feedback to this story (originally carried in IOL’s sister title The Star)
MEN MAY BE HUNTERS, BUT THEY’RE NOT ALL HOUNDS
Dear Editor
I read, with some amusement, your article “Online dating clicks with SA’s lonely hearts” (The Star, Friday, July 15), as I have been an online dater previously.
There is no question that people put in their computer most of their dreams and expectations, and expect them to be fulfilled fast. But the article shows only women’s ideas and expectations, and presents the men as the weak link in the dating game.
Isn’t this a bit passé?
Elsabe says: “Look at the photo with the profile. Is he in a Speedo, or next to a luxury sports car? He’s trying to project an image.”
What about the women who present themselves in tiny bikinis lying sensuously near their swimming pools ? And would she date him if he showed himself in an old bakkie, near a dilapidated house ?
If he “is back on the site after a year, he is a serial dater…” Is this a scientific certitude ? Besides, since she suggests keeping a profile for no more that six weeks (and obviously changing it afterwards), doesn’t this make her also a serial dater?
“Beware the narcissists”, she said, who hadn’t even read her profile. Well, I’ve read quite a few profiles of women that were “down to earth, nature and animal loving, self-sufficient, fun-loving, etc…” Aren’t we all (or rather, wouldn’t we like to be) like this ?
Anyway, I am happy that Elsabe has met her match and is happy now. But I would like to offer a few suggestions, too, as a man:
* Stories of past failed relationships and mistreatments are not too credible, especially if there are quite a few. As they say, it takes two to tango. Maybe it’s not always a man’s fault, and there are hidden faults in her personality?
* Similarly, references to previous sexual exploits are rarely welcome – even in 2011, a man would prefer a chaste woman and not one too-known in public.
* There is no reason to feel humiliated or rejected if the correspondent does not phone her again after their first date. It happened to me too, and I managed to survive.
* While going and dining out, one should try to avoid drinking too much. A tipsy (or worse) woman on a first date is not very appealing, no matter how sexy she may look.
* In addition, avoid dating younger men. In my experience, after the initial ego boost, the so-called cougars are usually happy only on the pages of popular magazines.
Indeed, men are hunters – this is our nature – but serious commitment, and a healthy fear of STDs, will usually keep us faithful.
Having said that, I would like to wish all the online daters luck – the Prince On A White Horse and/or the Sleeping Beauty are certainly only a click away ! - The Star