Oh Prince Harry, you complete and absolute ponce. You weak-kneed, ginger, limp-wristed, ninny mommy’s boy. How dare you?
How dare you love and respect your wife enough to stand behind her on the cover of Time magazine?
How dare you love and respect your wife enough to put her mental health first? To look after the good of your relationship instead of maintaining the stiff upper lip of your forebears? How dare you, Harry??
Don’t you know you come from a long line of strong men? Of men who took what they wanted without asking.
Of men who forged new paths into new worlds. Of men who conquered empires, bringing light and civilisation and Christianity to all mankind around the world.
Of men who didn’t wait for permission from their befrocked lesser life partners before hurtling into unknown lands and territories, planting the flag for king and country, reaping the benefits of their conquests - gold, timber, diamonds, coal, copper, oil, palm fruit and oils, dates, spices, exotic animals, people… These were owed to them by virtue of their brave conquests.
And in return for the gracious gift of modernised leadership and neat territorial boundaries, your ancestors brought in exchange literacy and numeracy, piped fresh water, roads and infrastructure, schools and churches, government buildings, railway lines.
Don’t you see, Harry, how kind and giving your forefathers were? They brought civilisation to the world, Harry! A dark world that would otherwise have languished in retardation, were it not for the benefits of colonial progress.
Yes, it was a simpler time, Harry. A time when men were men and natives were restless.
A time when a man’s home was his literal castle. A time when women were to be seen, not heard. When “yes” meant yes, and “no” meant they needed some more convincing.
Think on your countryman, Harry. The world’s most famous spy. How evil empires and men seeking to wreak havoc in the world were stopped in their tracks.
When women - grieving widows, traumatised victims of sustained sexual, physical and psychological abuse, vulnerable and captive women, unwitting accomplices - would gently succumb to his charms. Yes, they may have needed a bit of strong-arming in the beginning, but in the end, they were happy. They enjoyed themselves. James may not have formed a lasting bond with any of them, but they got what they were asking for, the slappers.
So what if he held them down when they first resisted? So what if he threatened them with physical violence?
So what if he slapped them around a little bit? We know there are women who are into that sort of thing, what.
James gave them what-for, old sport. How could you deny that doe-eyed stare they offered up as he left them panting in the sheets?
Even into the 21st century, our manliest of manly men continues to brood over a shaken vodka martini, eyeing the room for his next victim- I mean love interest like some predatory- I mean alpha male prime specimen.
And then there’s you, Harry.
Standing behind his woman like some nancy boy. Where would the world be without Sir Francis Drake, Sir Walter Raleigh, Captain James Cook, or Cecil John Rhodes?
The Pacific Islands would have remained savage! The Americas would have continued their brutal ways! Africa would have remained the dark cesspit of humanity it was before they brought light and God to it.
Go and pull on your big-boy tuxedo and best oxfords and man up.
Civilisation, my good man, was not wrought by clinging to your wife’s petticoat.