Cape Town-based transformational therapist, Shaldon Fitzgerald, launches Dating By Numbers this month; an online course aimed at helping single people find their ideal partner by using a rating system.
“In the one-on-one sessions I do with my clients, I get a lot of people, mostly women, who can’t understand why they are not meeting the right guy. This platform is designed to give them the space to ask questions, receive advice, and simplify the dating game to put them back in charge,” says Fitzgerald.
Dating by Numbers, which is also soon to be a published book, looks at how we rate ourselves as well as potential partners across four different categories; physical appearance, health and vitality, wealth and socio-economic status and personality.
According to Fitzgerald, by applying this system, you can identify if you are underestimating or overestimating your value, figure out what knocked your number down, and if necessary, how to change your number.
“There is a saying in Tantra: You should never be unequally yoked. In other words, if your partner doesn’t match you, the relationship cannot move forward in an even way – you will either go around in circles or make no ground at all."
From Tinder to TENder
Fitzgerald believes that Tinder is an exercise in skewered expectations and doesn’t recommend it as a core platform to make meaningful connections. “I’ve heard people say that the only way they are going to meet someone is by going on Tinder, but in reality, we are meeting people all the time.
In fact, the ones you genuinely connect with are likely those in your immediate peripheral,” says Fitzgerald.
Instead of swiping back and forth on Tinder, Fitzgerald suggests practicing connection with the people around you, and making the dates that you do have, successful ones, so that you’re not rushing home after to update your Tinder profile.
He offers the practical advice of just being open and vulnerable when meeting someone, and not making the mistake of thinking you must be confident to be attractive. “If a guy walks across a bar and asks to buy a woman a drink, from that moment on, there’s no reason to try to impress him because he is already interested and is there to impress you. If you are both wrapped up in trying to impress each other, there is no connecting. If you focus less on yourself and more on the other person, you become less stressed, making him less stressed, and the interaction becomes deeper and more fun for both of you. I call this being caring over being self-conscious,” says Fitzgerald.
Caught in a bad romance?
Fitzgerald points out that too often partners are left disappointed when it comes to occasions like Valentine’s Day, or anniversaries due to the level of expectations placed on the occasion.
He suggests that each partner thinks about what romance means to each person, as often it can differ for individuals. “For most, the goal of romance is to achieve a level of intimacy and connect, which can sometimes require you to be vulnerable and feel exposed, so become familiar with your partner’s expectations as well as your own, so that no-one gets the wrong message or feels that they are not good enough if their partner didn’t meet their expectations of romance,” says Fitzgerald.
* For more advice follow Dating By Numbers on Facebook