On the scale of embarrassing moments of my life, my flirtatious friend is in the red area.
A taxi driver once coyly asked if he could suck from the twins (not to endorse the harassment but they were on full display) and she almost spat in his face.
People flirt every day but the likes of my friend and Isidingo’s Stella make it look disgusting. They are the relentless kind. What do you do with a flirtatious friend or relative?
Although explained as a playful, romantic or sexual overture by one person to another to subtly indicate an interest in a relationship, some people take it too far.
“My neighbour is gregarious, likes to hug people and brush her hand on people’s arms, while looking straight into their eyes. I think that’s disgusting,” says Esther Gwamanda. “You have to think very little of yourself to throw yourself like that at men, especially other people’s men.”
Stan Bopape, a relationship counsellor, says: “If we did not initiate contact and express interest in… the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human species would become extinct.
‘‘Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature,” he says. “But having said that, there is showing interest and then there is harassment. Flirtatious women hardly have to deal with the consequences because men are too macho to cry sexual harassment.”
Bopape recalls a couple who both blamed the same issue for their quarrels.
“The man had cheated on her in the initial stages of their relationship. In an attempt to get even, the woman flirted with any man who was within the 100km radius. And it was a funny thing to see because the man said he was not jealous, but disgusted that the woman chose to do it in his presence.”
If the man’s wife was anything like my friend, she must have been truly sickening. “Oh, I hear she wore push-up bras and ran her hand over her chest, while eyeing shopkeepers up and down. That cannot be a pretty sight if you are a spectator,” he says.
But maddening flirts cannot be dissuaded. They become sexual if their first advances are not met with glee.
“Often the first signs are made with the face, a little wink there, finger tip on the lips and dancing eyebrows,” says Leticia Mthiyane, who complains about her flirtatious aunt. “When that doesn’t work, she will dig deeper in her bag of tricks and ask to be helped with a neck piece, a dry back (she will shove the cream in the palm of the object of her desire) and will not take no for an answer. It’s as if her pride has left her.”
Men do it, too. They have just refined their act. “Men have been in the business of charming women forever, it’s an innate thing for them and for some reason there are still many men who don’t do it right, but amazingly, they don’t get judged as badly as women are,” says Bopape.
“Perhaps, there is indeed something strange about a woman who runs after a man, regardless of his lack of interest in her.” Women usually unleash their skill when they want to get out of hot water like a traffic fine, a hefty price for an item or a dreadful chore – and that’s cute and cunning. But flirting because you want that man at whatever cost, can be tacky…”
There is a school of thought that associates “available” behaviour with a need to belong.
“Though the word may not be politically correct these days, my brief lover, who later became my friend, was promiscuously flirtatious,” recalls Steven Zondo a book publisher..
‘‘She needed the acceptance and love she had never felt growing up. She used her sexiness to lure a large number of men who might possibly, but never fully seemed, to fill that need. If a man was interested in her, and so many were, she would go off with him for a while, but soon there would be another, and then yet another. She left a trail of broken hearts.”
Psychologists call the psychology of persuasion a fine work of art. “When people flirt, they actually go to your head and create a need. Just like advertisers, this type of persuasion appeals to a person’s fundamental needs – love, self-esteem and self-actualisation.”
Says Rita Rossou a clinical psychologist: “I really admire such people because more often than not, their endeavours pay off.”
Perhaps the reason flirting can be distasteful is because flirts have no boundaries. “There are places you are allowed to flirt – at a party, at a pub and so on. But at work, or with someone whose spouse is present can be downright rude.”
Where to flirt:
* Parties and drinking places
Flirting is most socially acceptable at parties, celebrations and social occasions. At events like Christmas and New Year parties, flirtation is almost expected.
As a rule-of-thumb, the more food-oriented establishments tend to discourage flirting between strangers, while those dedicated to drinking or dancing offer more socially sanctioned flirting opportunities. Restaurants and food-oriented or ‘‘private’’ zones within drinking-places are more conducive to flirting between established partners.
* Learning-places
Schools, colleges, universities and other educational institutions are great places for flirting.
This is largely because they are full of young, single people making their first attempts at mate selection.
Educational institutions encourage flirtation because the shared lifestyle and concerns of students, and the informal atmosphere, make it easy for them to initiate conversation with each other.
* Participant sports/hobbies and spectator events
Almost any participant sport or hobby can involve flirting. The level of flirtatious behaviour, however, often tends to be inversely related to the standards achieved by participants and their enthusiasm for the activity.
You will generally find a lot of flirting among incompetent tennis players, unfit swimmers, cack-handed potters, etc, but somewhat less among more proficient, serious, competitive participants in the same activities.
Although they have the advantage of providing conversational topics of mutual interest, most sporting events and other spectator pastimes, such as theatre or cinema, are not conducive to flirting, as social interaction is not the primary purpose of the occasion, and social contact may be limited to a short interval or require ‘‘missing the action’’.
You may not flirt with:
* Your boss
Even if your advances pay off, relations may be strained afterwards. Only losers use their sexuality to their career advantage.
* Your neighbour
Having someone live nearby may mean that in the event of your flirting not amounting to much or the relationship not working out, you will have each other’s presence rubbed in your faces.
* Your shopkeeper
They might start thinking of you as as a prostitute, and treat you like one.
* Your friend’s spouse
Rude and greedy.
* Your doctor
Think about it. - Sunday Independent
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