When we honour our partner’s value system, we realize that we’re surrounded by love in forms we sometimes don’t even recognize. Picture: Pexels
When we honour our partner’s value system, we realize that we’re surrounded by love in forms we sometimes don’t even recognize. Picture: Pexels

The key to fulfilling relationships? Value yourself first

By Dr John Demartini Time of article published Jan 30, 2020

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As human beings, true love is our ultimate objective, whether we’re aware of it or not. 

We may think we’re looking for something else, something material and fleeting, but even the pursuit of transient goals just leads us back to the truth of love. The purpose of all relationships is to dissolve the barriers that keep us from recognizing the love that already is and expressing the love we ultimately are.  
 
Often when we’re in a relationship, we unwisely think the other individual is supposed to be like us, but if any two individuals are exactly the same, one of them is unnecessary.  Each individual has their own unique set of values - fundamental drives that intrinsically or extrinsically drive their perceptions, decisions and actions.  

Our values help to determine what is important to us and no two people have the same set of values. When we honour our partner’s value system, we realize that we’re surrounded by love in forms we sometimes don’t even recognize. 
 
There are three ways to conduct a relationship, and each one has an entirely different outcome. 

A careless relationship is one in which you project and focus on your own values without considering your partner at all.  A careful relationship is when you think in terms of your partner’s values without considering your own…this one is called “walking on eggshells”.  

Both are one-sided approaches that ignore the other individual and create tension in the relationship. But a caring relationship is one where you communicate your values in terms of theirs. You think of both sides simultaneously, expressing your love for yourself and each other.  

The definition of caring is knowing someone well enough to know their values and caring enough to express your values in terms of theirs.  

So, you are probably wondering how to identify yours and your partner’s values? Your life demonstrates what is really important to you. People will often tell you what they think is important but what they take action on every day is what is really important to them. 

We always have time for what is important to us so if we value our relationships, we will sacrifice things that are lower on our priorities to spend time with the people we value. If, however we value work and not relationships, then we will sacrifice relationships to spend our time working. 

Whenever you perceive that what someone else supports your values, you open up to them. If you perceive that an individual’s values challenge what is important to you, then you will resist them and want to change them to be more like you. 

Once you know your values and your partner’s values, you have the key to dissolving any tensions you may perceive in your relationship by asking how what
they are doing is assisting you in the areas that you value. 

The secret to a fulfilling relationship is understanding your values, then having the courage to open your heart to love.  

Make sure you love yourself first. For you to experience the affection that someone else has for you – warts and all, it is wise to cherish yourself fully. That means choosing to see yourself in 360 degrees with your unique expression of every character trait.  

When you embrace your dark and light, your positive and negative, your supposed duality, then you are ready to experience unity. Remember, if you can’t love yourself, if you don’t value yourself or if you wouldn’t want to make love with you then how can you expect someone else to?  

Dr John Demartini is a human behaviour specialist, International best-selling author, educator, founder of the Demartini Institute. Visit https://drdemartini.com/

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