File photo: If you want to feel connected to your partner, your first step is to connect with yourself. Picture:

Men are attracted to confident independent women. When women become needy or dependent it is a relationship killer, writes Adele Green.

This week’s question comes from Lesedi in Orange Grove: “I feel alone in my relationship. Even though we work well as a team, and I trust my husband, I miss feeling deeply connected to him. Is there something I can do? Is this normal after four years of marriage, or should I seek help?”

Answer: Dear Lesedi, many people can relate to what you are feeling, whether they have been married for two or 20 years. What is normal is relative to what a person expects from a marriage: If you expect to never feel lonely because you have a partner, then you will assume it is abnormal to feel lonely.

Many people are too busy raising children or getting on with building their dreams for financial freedom to notice how they are feeling. After quiet reflection some notice that they indeed feel alone inside a relationship.

In my book Can You See Me Naked? I reveal a link between childhood nurturing and feeling lonely inside a relationship. A child learns who he or she is through the mother. At a specific window of the development, the mom leaves and the baby realises that he or she is separate from the mother. They experience the unknown and figure out they are their own persons.

Here a pattern is set for life and the understanding and expectations of how we will relate to people. We can help babies with this pattern by playing Peekaboo.

At some point this way of relating to others is tranferred into the relationship. When we still have not developed independence, it will explain why partners in relationships can have so much power over us. There is a need from one partner to know themselves, which is deeply rooted in the relationship itself. As comfortable as it is to feel safe inside the relationship, it is also important to understand we feel secure within ourselves.

As a coach, working with relationships, I notice how many people outgrow each other, because of one person becoming more independent than the other. For a healthy and conscious relationship, notice when you feel alone.

You may be physically alone or have another problem inside your relationship, but this is not what I am referring to. The feeling of aloneness may be unrelated to what is actually happening.

In other words you can have the feelings of loneliness even though you are not alone. Take from this that you are now ready to own your space and grow.

If you want to feel connected to your partner, your first step is to connect with yourself. You asked what you can do. Babies do this by naturally discovering their needs through playing Peekaboo. Adults can consciously seek to know themselves better.

You can do this by journalling when you experience feelings of separateness and rejection. From this you can discover what your needs are, and learn how this is different from what your relationship needs are.

If you prefer talking to writing look for a professional to assist you. Sometimes the smallest insight is all you need to never feel alone again. You can also read books like Nadia Bilchik and Lori Miller’s Own your space and/or Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship (Chapter 10).

It is important that you find support for you rather than expect your assistance from your relationship. Remember it is your confidence and radiance that your partner values. When you discover your value, this is the best injection for your marriage. The rest will fall into place if there are no other major issues.

* Adelé Green is a transformation specialist coach and author of Can You See Me Naked? Ask your conscious relationship question on or e-mail me anonymously to [email protected]