Perhaps you saw the “House Hunters” episode that sparked outrage among HGTV fans all around the world.
Or perhaps you binge-watched “Politician” only for that complicated plot-line. Or perhaps you watched Showtime's “The L Word: Generation Q” and found yourself rooting for (read: turned on by) Alice, Nat, and Gigi.
Whatever the reason, you found this page because you wanted to learn more about what a throuple is and how it functions.
Fortunately for you, Lateef Taylor, a proponent of pleasure-based, queer-inclusive sex education, and Dr Liz Powell, a psychologist and author of “Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide to Swinging, Polyamory & Beyond”, are here to explain.
What is a throuple?
According to Taylor, a triple is a partnership of three people who have consented to be in a passionate, loving relationship with one another.
Isn’t that similar to an open relationship?
Nope! Usually, an open relationship is between two people who have mutually decided to allow their relationship to be open to sex with other people but not romance or love.
A threesome, not a triple, is formed when two people in an open (or closed) relationship engage in sexual activity with a third party.
A threesome has overtly sexual overtones and isn’t usually a long-term affair. Throuples are enduring partnerships that have a sexual component.
A throuple can be open or closed.
The first implies that the triplets are free to engage in romantic or sexual connections with others who are not part of their trio; the latter means they only have sex with each other. As with a two-person relationship, Taylor adds, the limits, needs, and goals of the persons in the relationship determine how the throuple appears.
Why would someone consider it?
According to Taylor, being in a trio provides you access to more kinds of emotional attachment, closeness, caring, and delight. And if the union is sexual, there will be sex, pleasure, and orgasms!
A throuple might develop in one of three ways: A couple decides to add a third person to their relationship and actively looks for one; a couple meets someone who naturally becomes part of their partnership; or three people meet and decide to join together at about the same time.
Any combination of genders, regardless of sexual orientation, can make up a throuple.
When a heterosexual couple looks for a stunning bisexual beauty, “a lot of times a throuple is established”, says Powell. (PS: This is referred to as unicorn hunting.) Powell points out that those who identify as bisexual, queer, or pansexual may find a three-way relationship particularly alluring.
How can you tell if it's the best choice for you?
If you already have a partner, a throuple could be a good fit for you both if:
• You already have a good pre-existing friendship with excellent communication skills. You're equally excited about being in a trio.
• You both experience envy, but you've learnt effective coping mechanisms.
• You both share a similar vision of what a trio may entail, but you're open to changing it to suit the requirements of the third person.
• Both of you are prepared to discuss your couple privilege.
If you're single, a throuple may be a good fit for you if:
• You are attracted to both people on a physical, emotional, spiritual, and – if the relationship will be sexual – sexual level.
• You experience envy, but you have effective coping mechanisms.
• You are capable of setting limits and speaking up for yourself.
Are there any benefits to living in a trio?
According to Taylor, many of the advantages of a triplet relationship are comparable to those of a two-person union.
These include having partners you can pick up new interests from, who you can learn them from, who can help you through difficult times emotionally, who you can help emotionally, and who can teach you something.
In addition, if you, for example, enjoy compersion or delight that comes from observing another person's joy, which is essentially vicarious joy, a triple will provide you with enough of that. You get to see two people you like being loved and adored by someone else.
A throuple also has logistical advantages.
For example, more people can contribute to household maintenance and expenses if you live together. There are more people available to assist with child-rearing duties.
Are there any drawbacks to take into account?
Being in a trio doesn't necessarily have any drawbacks. However, there are erroneous notions regarding how being in a throuple will appear or feel or how much effort is required in reality.
According to Powell, “couples who desire to include a third person need to be ready for their first relationship to undergo a full metamorphosis”. Unfortunately, not all couples are prepared for that.
Powell says that to maintain the connection, “(often) they come up with a ton of rules about what the throuple is going to look like and what the limits will be”. Then they venture outside to look for a third. Any discussion on the couple's limits must engage everyone, she says.
Beyond that, it is simply unreal. According to Powell, a throuple is not only a slightly modified interpretation of a connection between two persons. There are four distinct relationships: three are between individuals, and one is a collective relationship.
There will be no sugar coating here: The partnership won't continue if all sides are unwilling to put in the effort. Changing a two-person relationship to a three-person relationship won't solve any fundamental problems in a relationship, according to Taylor. “It's going to make them worse.”
This is especially true if there is a communication problem in the relationship.
How frequently should you communicate with one another?
More often than you would believe necessary! Taylor advises against waiting for an issue to arise before bringing it up. “You should take the initiative.”
Taylor and Powell advise setting up a weekly check-in meeting with participation from all stakeholders.
Powell suggests the partners research polyamory and open partnerships in addition to learning more about throuples.
Resources for open relationships and polyamory include:
- Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert's “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory”.
- Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton's “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures”.
- “Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, and Beyond” by Liz Powell.
Check out these sites for information especially on or for throuples:
- Amory podcast
- The Instagram accounts Throuple.life and Throuple trouble
- Unicornsrus
- The Triad Book