“I’m a great person. I have so much to give. I am so successful in my career. I look good. I am smart. I have a great sense of humor. Why am I still single?”
Do the thoughts in your head sound like some version of that? As a matchmaker, who has matched over 700 people, I have heard the stories and felt the frustration of good people who have no idea why they are still single when they have so much to offer.
Most people I meet are absolutely awesome and with a slight shift in their mindset, get themselves ready for a deep, loving, intimate relationship.
So what are the possible reasons you are still single? It could be that you are so picky that you are missing out on a true connection. When we have a long list of what our partner should be, our focus is on the checklist and not on what the person in front of us really has to offer.
Now I’m not saying we should not have expectations or settle for less than what we want. What I’m saying is that when you meet a new person; come from a place of curiosity. Who are you? What makes you smile? What’s truly important to you? How do you see life?
When you make the effort to get to know someone and allow them to get to know you, you will find the person that you can deeply connect with and the checklist, which is generally more superficial, falls away.
You could have everything on your checklist, but without the deep soul-felt connection, the relationship will remain superficial and unsatisfying.
Have a few non-negotiable qualities that you look for. Hold up a mirror and ask yourself if you are everything that you are asking for. You want a rich, successful man. Are you a rich, successful woman? You want a woman who is smart and sexy. Are you a smart, sexy man? You want loyalty. Are you loyal?
In life and with partners, we don’t get what we want, we get what we are.
Another possible reason you are still single is that you may not be very confident. Confidence comes naturally when you realise just how awesome you are. So, fall in love with yourself first. Fall in love with life and that love will be what your ideal partner will be attracted to.
Desperation repels! If you are sad, anxious or depressed because you are alone, that’s a recipe for staying single or even worse, attracting the wrong people. No one can make you happy. Be happy first, then you will attract your life partner.
If you’ve been divorced, get over it first! Do not try to attract a new relationship from a space of hurt, anger or fear. If you are widowed, beware of idolizing your late spouse.
If you only remember how absolutely terrific they were and feel that you will never find another person that measures up, that will become your reality. No one will ever measure up and you could miss out on a truly meaningful relationship that may be different but just as good.
Are you too independent? It could be that you like your own space a little too much. You like making all the decisions and you love the freedom of being single. In this case, is there actually room for a life partner?
Lastly, does your body language tell a potential partner that you are approachable? Do you smile often or are you walking around looking at the ground with a frown on your face? Try smiling more and making eye contact. Head up, shoulders back, confident stride – now that’s a lot more attractive and welcoming.
So, give yourself a break, tuck the checklist away for a while, ease up, come from curiosity and most of all, go out just to have fun and allow that one special person to walk into your life.
Kas Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker.