You don’t need to play a role or pretend to be someone you’re not in order to talk dirty. Picture: Flickr.com

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? 

Most people tend to avoid making much noise because they worry about saying something their partner doesn’t like, feeling like a poor imitation of a pornstar, or just not knowing what to say. So they settle for quiet sex because it seems like the lesser of two evils.

Talking dirty is a great skill to learn because it brings liveliness into the bedroom in so many ways. It keeps you present in the moment. It develops your communication abilities. It taps into your primal nature. 

It connects you to your sense of pleasure, and can actually help you feel even more turned on. And there are plenty of ways to do it without feeling like a dumbass. Here are my tips:

Above all else, be yourself

I once chatted with a woman who was very vocal in the bedroom - but hated herself for it. She only said the things she thought her boyfriend wanted to hear, and she felt like she was putting on an act. I think this is where a lot of people go wrong with sex talk. 

You don’t need to play a role or pretend to be someone you’re not in order to talk dirty. Give yourself permission to just be you in the bedroom. For example, don’t use words that make your stomach turn, and don’t try to use filthy language if you’re a more modest person. Be authentic.

Expect a little discomfort

If you’re completely new to dirty talk, it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first. It’s okay to be a little awkward! Learning something new is always challenging. You don’t want to force yourself to talk dirty if you’re genuinely not interested in it, but I think it’s important to note that you’re never going to improve any aspect of your life unless you push yourself a bit. Embrace your growing pains.

Practice makes hotness

You can actually start talking dirty on your own. The idea of practicing sex talk may sound stupid, but it’s actually an easy way to figure out what your comfort levels are, what words you like, and how dirty talk affects you.

If you feel particularly bashful, start with moaning first. Let out a few sighs or groans, or breathe heavily. Try saying a few simple things like "that feels good" or "yes." You can do this while touching your body or masturbating, to get a sense of what it’s like to be verbal when you’re feeling stimulated.

Talking dirty with your partner

Once you’re ready to have an audience for your sexy talk, start with giving your partner feedback about what you liked after you’ve finished having sex. Tell him the things that you really enjoyed about that particular interaction, for example, “I loved when you threw me down onto the bed.” 

This is a pretty low-intensity way to discuss sex, and will help you feel more comfortable talking openly. You’ll also give yourself some ideas about what to say in the future.

If your partner is already vocal in the sack, try taking some cues from him. See how you can engage with what he’s doing. What types of things does he usually say? How does he tend to talk to you? What aspects of his dirty talk to you like or dislike?

Additional benefits of talking dirty

Explaining what’s bringing you pleasure benefits your partner too. Most men appreciate hearing your enthusiasm. It’s a turn-on in the moment, and it helps them learn what you like for the future. Knowing that you’re enjoying yourself also helps relieve some of the performance pressure guys feel during sex.

But isn't it anti-feminist to use certain dirty words?

It's okay to be turned on by words like "slut" and "whore" that would offend you outside the bedroom. That's part of what you're playing with - taking back derogatory, "pornstar" language and turning it into something that turns you on, rather than something that men might use to degrade you.

* Visit Jenni's blog for more info