By Lizzy Bliss
Didn’t know that sex records were a thing? Not only are there legitimate records for sex, but the Guinness World Records currently has a whopping 2949 active sex records listed.
Granted, some of them are more mundane, like the biggest payouts for sexual discrimination, but some unofficial records are really saucy, like the seven we’ve chosen just for you.
1. World’s strongest vagina
Why this didn’t get a Guinness certificate, nobody will ever understand. In 2009 Tatyana Kozhevnikova set the unofficial record for vaginal weightlifting when she lifted a stunning 31 pounds (14kg) with her lady bits. Tatyana inserted a wooden egg into her vagina, attached a 14kg dumbbell to the egg, and then lifted the weight clean off the floor.
Apparently, she uses a kegel movement to contract her muscles around the egg to keep the egg in place then lifts. The Russian mom of two claims that it took her 20 years of exercise to get her vagina powerful enough. We can only imagine she must have an impressive collection of kegel balls.
2. The record for the most queefs in the shortest time - 93 in 30 seconds
If you’ve never heard of Howard Stern, it’s time you get acquainted. In 2007, Howard Stern famously hosted a queefing championship. Enter Abby, a humble nurse and mother of two (we’re starting to see a pattern here) who happens to have amazing vagina skills.
Abby stripped to her underwear, and after a little warm up, she queefed her way into the unofficial record books. She ripped an astounding 93 queefs in 30 seconds to take up her reign as the Queef Queen. It beats burping the alphabet.
3. The world’s most powerful sex toy
Definitely not for the faint of heart. The Kong sex machine weighs in at just over 18kg and offers a 1/4HP and 70lbs of torque.
This does sound more like a backup generator for load shedding than a sex toy, but this Sybian sex toy is designed for the wild at heart. It’s a mechanised monster, and the user can control it with a remote control. Fair warning if you Google this one, it’s NSFW.
4. The longest permanent erection
A 21-year-old Iranian man fell on hard times when he decided to tattoo “borrow be salaama” and “M” (his girlfriend’s initials) onto his penis, which resulted in a permanent semi-erection.
Medical experts hypothesise that the needle probably penetrated too deep and caused an arteriovenous fistula.
WARNING: VIDEO CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE
A fistula is a connection between two organs or vessels - in this case, an artery and a vein - that normally don’t connect. The unnamed man now has a permanent semi-erection; ouch!
5. The longest time spent masturbating
No surprise that this record comes all the way from Japan. World champion masturbator Masanobu Sato holds the record for longest single masturbation session of an outrageous 9 hours and 58 minutes from back in 2011. We’re pretty sure he’ll hold onto the title for a long time!
6. The largest penis in the world
Now, this might come as a surprise, but the longest penis in relation to body size belongs to the Argentine blue-bill duck with a remarkable 42.5 cm penis. Which apparently evolved this way to have sex against the female’s will.
However, when it comes to humans, there’s a hot debate between New Yorker Jonah Falcon, who has a 13.5-inch penis (erect), and Roberto Esquivel Cabrera’s 19-inch member.
Falcon claims that he is the record holder because Robert can’t use his member. Doctors suggest that if he gets “circumcised”, that he can have a regular sex life, but the Mexican is refusing to give up his unofficial title of biggest d*#k in the world. Boys will be boys.
7. The sex position that breaks the most penises
Didn’t know you could break a penis? Well, again, Google this at your own peril. Apparently, the sex position that is now labelled as the most dangerous sex position is the reverse cowgirl.
According to a study in Advances in Urology, researchers found that nearly half of penile fractures in their data set came when the girl was on top, specifically in the reverse cowboy position.
They hypothesise that when the woman is on top, she usually controls the movement with her entire body weight landing on the erect penis – not being able to interrupt or stop it when the penis suffers a wrong way of penetration because the harm is usually minor in a woman with no pain but major for a man and his member.
So, take it easy with those spurs and lasso. There you have it, seven incredible sex records. It’s a pretty high bar, but we’re pretty sure there’s a prize for just competing.