QUESTION: My husband of 18 years has become increasingly passive in bed, leaving me to make all the moves.
It’s draining and unsexy, at the age of 53, to run a household, a small business and have to take charge in the bedroom, too. How do I change the dynamic?
ANSWER: If you look long enough at a marriage, you’ll tend to find both spouses are complicit in its evolution.
Your husband may have become passive in the bedroom, but isn’t that symptomatic of the way he appears to have ceded accountability in other areas?
Why have you taken on so much, when it would be perfectly reasonable to share your jobs? Are you so used to taking charge that you unwittingly facilitate his urge to run away from decisions and responsibilities?
You might find it instructive to look at your husband’s childhood. Did he have a controlling mother? If so, he may habitually cast women as dominant.
If you want your love life to change, you must face your husband with your concerns while admitting your own culpability.
After all, you could have challenged him years ago - he may have assumed you liked to take charge.
You need to explain how, after an exhausting day at work, it’s important to surrender some control. But you can’t alter the situation overnight. It’s time your spouse started helping you with domestic problems and giving you support with your business. When he feels like an equal, he’ll behave like one.
Try to encourage your husband to move from passivity to initiating touch. And allow him to take a back seat sometimes, as you switch the lead between you.
Above all, you should remember that for your husband to feel assertive in bed, you need to bolster his confidence. For him to take the lead, you need to cede a little control.