The single person’s guide on how to spend Valentine’s Day
If you’re single and still deciding to go it alone and make the best of it, we’ve roped in some of South Africa’s favourite comedians for their tips.
Learn to be the third wheel and be proud of it
“Offer to be an Uber driver for a couple – make someone else happy. Be the third wheel that takes the photos, fetch the flowers, make arrangements and make money!” – The prince of comedic one-liners, Yaaseen Barnes.
Play Pokémon Go and say hi to a stranger
“You’ll find your true love – a virtual reality kind of love. Who knows, maybe he or she evolves into a human being one day and you’ll live happily ever after like in the movie Shrek. Say hi to a stranger and start a few random conversations.
This is not code for go onto Tinder. Or is it ? Of course it is! People don’t talk to each other anymore.
“Social media and so called dating apps have taken over, so swipe right. Now start panicking because you uploaded a 2014 photo of yourself – let’s call it a ‘better version’ of you.
“This is when you start worrying because your possible ‘true love’ did the same. It’s the perfect start to your new relationship” – Cape Town Comedy Club stalwart and radio presenter Dalin Oliver.
Hold hands with yourself
“A good way to not feel lonely on Valentine’s Day is to sit on your left hand for 15 minutes until it’s numb. Now hold it with the other hand... It totally feels like someone else’s hand.” – Self-confessed farm boy, Carl Weber.
Avoid alcohol and go gluten-free
“There are a few things to avoid on Valentine’s Day, like alcohol because, trust me, you will have to face the inevitable and that is that you just woke up alone... Aww don’t worry there is always next year. Unlike most of my baking, the only thing that flops is a Valentine’s cake – lets be gluten free this Valentine’s and keep a single heart healthy!” – SA’s 7th funniest comedian, Shimmy Isaacs.
Change the date
“The first thing one should do is change the date on the calendar, go forward one day. Do it around February 10. This is like daylight savings but for loneliness.
“From Feb 11-13 be sure to smile at every person of the opposite sex that you encounter – this is a last-gasp effort to possibly snag yourself a Valentine. It could go either way – I’m talking harassment charges here.” – Comedy Central Roast Battle champ, Richelieu Beaunoir.