I have almost always told my children the truth. If anything
was too traumatic or complex for them to understand, I assured
them we would talk about it when I had the words to explain.
What I actually meant was that we would talk about it when
they were able to fathom the gravity of the situation without fear.
From when they were young, I would keep it simple, but true.
These days, violence, abuse, sexual assault, bullying, corruption, crime and cover-ups have become so visible that it
is now necessary to have complicated conversations with our
children for their safety. Who knew you would ever have to
explain unwanted sexual advances and inappropriate touching
to children who can barely grasp these violations.
Yes, we start by
talking about your body belonging to you. We remind children
that any part of your body covered by a swimming costume
is considered your private parts and that nobody is allowed to
touch you there.
LISTEN:
It is tricky teaching them these lessons without
making them ashamed of their bodies or fearful of normal, loving physical interactions like hugs and cuddles. It is, however,
possible to educate them lovingly and bravely. Avoidance is not
in anybody’s interest but the perpetrator’s, who generally targets
vulnerable, innocent and uninformed victims.
I have a vivid memory from when I was six or seven years
old of a teenaged relative rolling on top of me as I slept. My
instinctive reaction was to punch his chest hard with my little
fists and say: “What are you doing? Get off me!” He jumped up
and left the room. I was not sexually assaulted that day because
of my defence. As little as I was, I was fortunate to have been
instilled with right and wrong by my parents from the earliest
time I can remember.
I now know from research that rapists and people who assault
others are seldom prepared for them to fight back. Our parents
always had open conversations with us about these situations
and raising four daughters, they did a deliberate job of letting us
always know that we were enough, loved and protected.
These are the same foundations we have used to build our
children’s confidence, sense of self, awareness of the good and
bad in the world, and to prepare them for a world that is messy
and often dangerous.
Raising children to be adults who do not resort to violence as
a first response is a conscious and necessary parental responsibility. We need to instil trust in our children that we are safe spaces
for them to come to when they feel threatened or burdened. It
does take a village to raise a child, but that same village can also
protect perpetrators and damage many children. As a result, I
take the mantra “your child is my child” literally.
I have stopped
a mom in a toy shop beating a young boy who was thirsty while
other shoppers watched or walked on. I have physically been
between a mom and young son beating each other (and me)!
We cannot stand by anymore. It is our problem.
The amount of gender-based violence our children are
exposed to through the media, television, computer games and
the internet means we have to be vigilant in demonstrating to
them the workable way to be a human being and a contributing
member of a family unit or friendship circle.
We do not stand by when someone is being bullied or beaten.
We draw attention and get help; we don’t walk past, we Don’t
Look Away! We keep our friends close and we keep an eye on
enemies, knowing that bullies have usually been bullied themselves.
Violent behaviour is usually a response to something you
were exposed to, taught or started believing during childhood.
Not all children who grow up in violent environments end up
being abusive, but all abusers have been exposed to violence and
abuse, and don’t see another way to be.
* Lisa Joshua Sonn is a CapeTalk contributor,
a Don’t Look Away social
activist and a mother of three.