"I pity a child called Manure," says Father Oscar Wergner, of the Zimbabwe Catholic Bishops' Conference.
He has heard them all - children named everything from Manure to Nomatter to Afraid. But like most Zimbabweans he has no explanation for one of the country's most curious, charming traditions: the colourful, creative naming of its children.
My taxi driver is Forget Moyo and he finds it funny I find his name funny. He tells me: "You should understand most of our parents are not literate in the English language. So, when your father has heard an interesting word you simply take it."
My favourite translator, Washington, insists I speak to Border Gezi, the governor of Mashonaland central and a leading figure in Zanu-PF politics. I also get to learn that Mutare has a mayor and he is Alderman Mudewe.
On the other side of the political fence is Learnmore Jongwe, the Movement for Democratic Change's (MDC) publicity secretary.
The MDC's security chief is Job Sikhala. Lovemore Madhuku assists them.
Nomore Sibanda is the voice of the Zimbabwe Congress of Trade Unions. Nomore says: "I was supposed to be the last born, but my father did not want to stop."
Then there is Inspector Bothwell Mugariri, who reports that Edmore Lupasva and Obiscus Dumba were arrested with landmines in Mount Darwin.
Never Katiyo is prosecuting.
Bothwell says: "Look, all was well when I was born, and still is."
Zimbabwe's war veterans have assumed pseudonyms. Comrade Hitler leads and comrades Freedom, Peace, Jesus and War make noise. But Jealous Kochi, the Mashonaland war veteran leader and Agrippa Java, the executive director of the War Veteran's Association, are real.
Soccer stars have their own share.
Veterans on the soccer field were once none other than Salad Twakidi, Memory Mucherehowe, Friday "Amayenge" Phiri, Calisto Pasuwa and July Sharara.
Cainoes Chindungwe was also there and his son, Snead Takaendesa, spoke of daddy's glory days.
Father Wergner is the first to agree that church policies of christening African children with European names meant loss of identity.
The missionaries argued we should all identify with Christian ancestors, except those are not African ancestors, and many Africans are comfortable in naming children after their important relatives, dead or alive.
"But that is no longer our policy," Wergner says, adding, "we only encourage parents to combine European and indigenous names. But, of course, many are choosing to use only African names."
Armed with this revolutionary information, I thought Nobody's family had a lapse. Of course, I then "discovered" Zimbabweans. Some are just plain Salad. But, Wergner says, there is growing trend to give meaning and beauty to the name in the African language.