There is no creature I detest more than the wretched pigeon.

There are few things that upset me more than hearing a report about another rhino being shot. Rhinos are awesome, majestic creatures and they’ve got this whole prehistoric look going on which reminds me of dinosaurs, and no matter how old a guy gets, dinosaurs will always be cool.

The trouble with rhinos, however, is that some people in the Far East believe that their horns can be used to make hard-on medicine and, as you know, hard-on medicine is big business. So the poor rhino is fighting for survival amid this scramble for rhino horn aphrodisiac.

While it really is a sad situation for the rhino, I do believe that these great horny creatures should be playing a more proactive role in ensuring that their species survives. Yes, rhinos ought to get it on more, as a matter of urgency.

Enough with standing around and eating all day, Mr Rhino; find a Mrs Rhino and make it happen.

Someone needs to tell these guys that they’re about to become extinct, seriously. On my last trip to Hluhluwe, I didn’t detect any urgency on the part of the rhinos. I’m not sure they realise just how serious the situation is.

Pandas, another endangered species, are also seemingly not interested in mating. Just ask the Chinese zookeepers who try to breed them. A panda would much rather eat himself into a coma than make a move on a lady, which is probably why pandas aren’t going to last long in the wild.

It’s a sad reality that nature’s most beautiful and awesome creatures are the ones that are being wiped out by poachers.

Now on the other hand, things that we wish would disappear off the face of the planet, like cockroaches, rats and pigeons, continue to thrive. I long for the day rats end up on the endangered species list because some celebrity decides that wearing rat fur is the new “in” thing.

However, there is no creature I detest more than the wretched pigeon.

Also known as the rats of the sky, pigeons are showing no signs of slowing down in terms of numbers and there are clearly not enough hobos around with a penchant for pigeon meat. In fact, pigeons are more likely to feed on hobos these days than the other way around.

An official from the city health department with a love for conspiracy theories tells me that pigeons have chewed their way through homeless people at a phenomenal rate. He says that while there has been an increase in the number of beggars on Durban streets, fewer people are sleeping on pavements these days than ever before. He makes a good point. When last did you see someone sleeping on a pavement? Apparently, come 6pm every day, beggars fight tooth and nail for room at local shelters, fearful of being munched by the “gangs” of pigeons that roam the city streets at night. It’s just a theory, but a plausible one.

Pigeons are a vicious bunch. They will eat pretty much anything. The other day I had to yank my number plate away from a pack of them. The one just stared me down with his beady little eyes while another cursed my mother.

I can never understand people who make a pastime of feeding pigeons. If you’re going to throw something at pigeons, throw stones. And if you absolutely have to feed them, make sure its Rattex.

They’re incredibly ungrateful creatures, I might add. My uncle fed pigeons every day for 30 years at the Yacht Mole. Do you know how they thanked him? They crapped on him.

They crapped on him, they crapped on his car, they crapped on my aunt and they crapped on my cousins.

The other day I decided to wash my car. I really went all out. I did the whole shampoo thing, used all the expensive products and all that jazz. While soaping down the car I noticed three pigeons watching me from a branch. I didn’t think anything of it at first, so I just continued doing my thing. An hour later I had just finished wiping down the car and applying the last coat of wax. I stood there admiring the shine on the metal. A moment later, those three bastard pigeons suddenly swooped from the branch they were perched on and launched a co-ordinated crap attack on my roof before disappearing into the sunset. I swear I heard one of them laughing as they flew off.

The next day I caught one of those ugly purple-necked ones in my garden and tortured him for several hours. I didn’t get the names of the crap attackers, though – he didn’t know those guys.

But it was fun.

My hatred for pigeons reached new heights that week, but my crapped-on cloud has a silver lining.

While browsing an underground website which I will not name, I came across a controversial Serbian study into the aphrodisiac qualities of pigeon beaks.

Apparently, scientists discovered that pigeon beaks could be used to make hard-on medicine after Belgrade hobos consuming boiled pigeon beaks were found to be extra frisky after dinner.

At last, I had found a way to ensure that pigeons could be wiped out while also saving the rhino.

This information had to get out.

So I picked up the phone and called the Vietnamese embassy. - Sunday Tribune