Fighting in real life just isn’t like it is in the movies, which is a bit of a paradox when you think of the proliferation of martial arts movies and the suburban dojos, gyms and Fight Clubs underpinning this fascination all over Gauteng, at least.
In fact, when you look at viral videos on social media, the okes don’t get it. Last year; Hugo wasn’t told to get stuck in by his wife, but to “bel die polisie”.
Across the road, Wynand Jannsen was becoming an instant social media sensation by literally becoming the one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest.
This week the next episode of suburban street fighters moved to the north of Joburg - without either Hugo or Wynand’s help. Posted to Twitter under the hashtag #whitetrash, the clip showed an equally bizarre tableau: once again of the shirtless weekend white male, albeit particularly foul-mouthed English speaking mobbed yobs among a surfeit of BMWs - all pushing and shoving one another.
Another street fight: WARNING ⚠️ Violence and Language. pic.twitter.com/5qeDDJzurI
— Yusuf Abramjee (@Abramjee) January 13, 2020
This video was also commentated, albeit a trifle dramatically, especially where one of the protagonists entered the fray with what looked a like a foot-long bayonet (probably of World War I vintage), which the commentator was breathlessly filming and telling us that he was stabbing people with. In fact he was slapping people with the flat bit before sheathing it.
In terms of unarmed combat tactics, it almost topped Jannsen’s bid last year to kick someone while pivoting on his prosthesis, but in the end was matched by his mate entering the fray armed with a bit of a golf club to as much effect, before being successfully shepherded away by another one of the women.
The bayonet-brandishing big-bellied one chucked his sheathed bayonet back in the car and then got stuck into his foe, as a younger person in a very branded security firm car yelped over-excitedly at them to break it up.
Once the actual fisticuffs were all over, the matriarch got involved, launching a couple of choice F-bombs, especially at the gormless security sales rep who had apparently just been driving past.
And then it was all over.
The bayonet slapper and his golf club sidekick jumped into their Beemer and buggered off.
Another Beemer followed suit, leaving the poor security lad to get it in the ear big time from the guy he was actually trying to save from getting a PK, as he was pinned to the ground.
Who were these people? We’ll never know because no one demanded to see the manager - or sue each other in court after settling the matter on Monday.
It’s a pity because it was marginally more entertaining than the non-event of the ANC’s January 8 statement.
What we do know is that your chances of getting really sorted in the suburbs in boet-on-boet violence is remote, unless you’re caught cheating at golf at Benoni Lake.
Having said that, if you hear some woman shouting, “Hold my dog,” when you’re next in Joburg, look for the exit and bail. Smartly.
* Kevin Ritchie is a media consultant. He is a former journalist and newspaper editor.
** The views expressed here are not necessarily those of Independent Media.
Saturday Star