Kenny Kunene and Julius Malema. File photo: Itumeleng English


Johannesburg - There’s the staple meat and potatoes (with a bit of gravy on the side), but elections 2014 has also served up more exotic fare for voters with an adventurous palate.

Sushi served on naked women may no longer be on the menu for celebrity ex-con Kenny Kunene, but he’s hoping the Patriotic Alliance, which he fronts with fellow former felon Gayton McKenzie, will be X-rated – by voters, when they make their cross.

The flamboyant Kunene was more than just cross when he penned an open letter to President Jacob Zuma, calling him a “monster and a tyrant”, but he’s chilled since then, according to a recent interview.

Cool enough to accept the challenge of a roasting on Comedy Central last month, from which he emerged singed but not extinguished.

It’s a small world, politics.

Julius Malema, Kunene’s former friend – and potential future convict if corruption charges against him stick – is also in the ring for these elections.

Actually they were in it together to begin with, but for reasons unexplained Kunene walked away from the Economic Freedom Fighters.

He’s more of a lover than a fighter, perhaps.

Not so Malema, who’s been spitting fire on the campaign trail after rising from the ashes of his career in the ANC Youth League.

Victims of his radical wit have ranged from Blade Nzimande’s face to the hapless SABC boss, Hlaudi Motsoeneng, whom Malema warned this week would soon be cast aside by Zuma “like a used condom”.

The “fighters” are no spent force, though, and odds are Malema will soon be tearing up the book on parliamentary language as an honourable, if not polite, member of the National Assembly.

It’s not all smear and loathing on the campaign trail.

Ubuntu Party leader Michael Tellinger wants to share “the joy and beauty” of “contributionism”, where people “do not live divided in fear of each other, but rather live united and thrive in abundance on all levels of our society”.

“Our philosophy is based on the principles of absolute equality, abundance for all and Unity Consciousness,” he says.

If you like your philosophy with a little more sting, but an equal helping of equality, there’s Wasp – not the white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant variety (or even the fierce little insect), but the Workers and Socialist Party.

Their policies closely resemble those of the EFF but they don’t do berets and Breitling watches.

They mean business, which is what they have in their sights: mean business.

Polls apart on the ideological spectrum is the Keep It Straight and Simple Party (Kiss).

“Far from nationalising anything, they want to “set the rand free”.

We’ll get there, as Gerrie Nel kept saying to Oscar.

“Failure is at the top. From the time of kings undisciplined governments are the heavyweights who tie up their economies in red tape and heavy tax so that they cannot breathe,” says Kiss.

If that smacks of laissez-faire capitalism to you, you’re bang on the money.

“We live by money – the price index.

“It’s what makes us tick! We all love money! And we want is to make money as it’s just moreish and it buys what we want most – freedom of choice.

“We’re keen to score in the money game and so we track the money as the sunflower tracks the sun,” the party website says.

It wants to liberate the “natural born trader” in each of us.

On Wednesday, we natural born voters get to choose.

For those who can’t wait to get in that booth it may help to remember the adage: people get the government they deserve.

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Political Bureau