AS A Mama’s Boy myself, proud and unashamed of this label, irrespective of the many connotations it carries, I know the attachments one has to one’s mom, and how important my mother’s inputs are in my life and in the choices I make as I grow older. Especially, when it comes to who I marry and how I go about my life in marriage.
However, I didn’t and I still don’t think that the challenges of the attachments are the most difficult to address when the time comes to let go.
What do I mean by that?
As a young Christian man, whose life is mostly influenced by biblical ways of conduct, I take the following verse literally and figuratively: “A man shall leave his mother and father and be one with his wife.”
On Monday morning, I had a conversation with a lady who’s involved with a Mama’s Boy like me.
Well, for those who aren’t familiar with the term “Mama’s Boy”, let me try to define it: A Mama’s Boy is a man (young or old) who worships his mom’s words and would do anything to please his mother.
The lady explained how her partner wanted to pay lobola (marry her) for her.
But she feels as though he is still under his mom’s control or authority.
She said: “If he wants to marry me, he must understand that as his wife, I come before his mother, and I cannot live in his mom’s house, even though he is the heir and will eventually have right to her mom’s estate after she dies.
“I need to be myself and have a say in my own house, and that would not happen if I live with my mother-in-law.”
This has always been my biggest worry growing up, because I realised that I love my mom so dearly.
I fully share her sentiments.
Furthermore, I was always scared of not wanting to marry someone who resembles my mother, because that’s typically what Mama’s Boys look for in their partners.
So, I separated myself from my feelings and started looking into who I am and what I wanted in a partner.
Nevertheless, I can’t fool myself and say: I am marrying for me. Where I come from, in my Africanism, culture and tradition, you marry into a family, you marry the whole family. This also means the one you marry becomes part of your whole family, too.
However, it doesn’t mean my family (mother, in particular) should control my marriage.
A while ago, I sat down with my mother and discussed the “elephant in the room”: Mom and Mama’s Boy ties, and the challenges of letting go.
Often, mothers to Mama’s Boys find it very difficult to let go of their sons and let them be their own men.
I remember telling her: “Mom, if you want to visit me and my wife, please do it through my future wife, and always remember that it’s her house and not yours.”
I didn’t want to find myself unnecessarily caught between my wife and my mom in the future. I think it’s the hardest place to be stuck between. I’ve witnessed it with those close to me.
Also, I feel that it’s our fault as Mama’s Boys if we let our mothers dictate our lives. Those who are blatant will say: If your mom runs your life, you are still a boy who needs to man up.
To a larger extent, I agree.
Most importantly, the one thing I respect about Christianity is how it emphasises the importance of respecting our parents, and equally the importance of our immediate family.
In conclusion, I think every Mama’s Boy must understand this. In order to have a healthy marriage or a healthy relationship with the one we choose to spend the rest of our lives with, we have to be Mama’s Boys enough to let go of the unreasonable emotional attachment we have with our mothers.
Until then, we shouldn’t bother anyone’s daughter about marriage and starting a family. In my opinion, not listening to our mothers’ counsel where our marriages are concerned is the first step to having a healthy marriage.
Our mothers are most likely to choose our side, while badmouthing our partners because we are their baby boys.
No disrespect!
Counsel is for professionals, that’s why there are marriage counsellors.
*Disclaimer: I am a proud Mama’s Boy and that doesn’t take away the tremendous work my single mother did in raising me.
I just think that being a Mama’s Boy must end before any young man thinks of marriage.
Kabelo Chabalala is the founder of the Young Men Movement (YMM), the 2018 Obama Foundation Africa Leader, and the 2018 Finland Correspondent Programme (FCP) participant. Email,[email protected]; Twitter, @KabeloJay; Facebook, Kabelo Chabalala