THE MOST asked question on Google last year was also the one posed by our reader in today’s column.
The question comes from Florence in Hillcrest: “How do you make long-distance relationships work?”
It comes as no surprise that technology has made it easier for parents to let their children emigrate for a better future, and that long-distance relationships are becoming more popular despite its challenges.
The world today is not the same one we knew before Facebook arrived just over 10 years ago. The algorithms in computer coding that match the behaviour of users is how apps make it easy for us to discover like-minded people online. Social media made it easy to get connected and stay connected. Unfortunately, as we spend more time online we also spend less time developing face-to-face social skills.
Long-distance relationships do not allow for physical touch. When we touch, our bodies release hormones.
Instead, long-distance relationships develop emotional bonds that can remain in tact through access to technology. Both they and other relationships will build trust in the next phase of the relationship.
Once trust is established and a commitment is made, interaction usually leads to the couple having children. In a long-distance relationship you build and connect the relationship with highly skilled communication. The commitment will require trust and a desire to feel special, which will outweigh the risks of betrayal.
What touch can do in a normal relationship is achieved by “tuning in” to your partner as you listen and use words that build a strong bond.
Chemistry is a mysterious cocktail of what we know and don’t know about another person. Mix this with what you want the other person to be, and you are set for a powerful imaginative attraction. With each encounter your expectations can be met, and this is what will lead to trusting your partner. Game on.
Life is a game of relating to people. What comes after this is what will determine whether your long-distance relationship will work.
Once you’ve discovered a partner connection, establish a boundary that you can commit yourself to, and build your relationship on meeting expectations - decisions will have to be made on whether to relocate or change your job. If you opt to stay put, you will need a clear understanding of how you see a future with your partner.
The relationship will highlight what is important to you as you make these decisions. For those who want children, women will have to deal with a biological clock of how long they can postpone procreation.
How would you deal with cultural or racial bias when you are together physically? The deeper question to ask relates to knowing what you want, and if what you want can be achieved by matching your inner worlds of where you meet each other. Will this be enough to overcome what you are facing? All relationships have the same risks when you take what feels comfortable to the next level. Love overcomes obstacles.
We are attracted to the imprint our parents created within us for an ideal partner. A man will be unconsciously drawn to the characteristics of his mother, and a woman to the attributes of her father.
What we accept about our roles in the relationships will depend on whether we are willing to be tolerant when there are differences.
We are experiencing a virtual revolution that has no point of reference for what is possible for long-distance relationships.
Those that work, do so because you are required to communicate better. This means you tune in to your partner to talk in a way that you are sensitive to where they are (emotionally).
You also imprint on them the image of how you imagine them to be, based on your parent profile. Beyond that, the relationship is taking on private real-time connectivity virtually. Everything is possible except touch.
The shadow side of these relationships is that we can hide who we really are. Being in someone’s physical space prevents us from hiding aspects of ourselves and shows our nakedness. In the same way, connecting emotionally reveals your vulnerable inner child to your partner.
It was interesting that the second most-asked question on Google was how to change your Facebook status. The third most-asked relationship question was: “How to build trust?” The world is changing and we are changing with it.
What is the answer to your question? Ask it at:
* www.adele-green.com/askADELE/ Adelé Green is the author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship.