Sometimes I feel as if I deal with the same old issues and I’m convinced you’ve read it all, so coming up with new topics to write about each week often requires research. More often than not I decide to write about what has come up for me (pardon the pun) during the week.
On Tuesday I was on TV talking about sex education to children and later today I’m going to be interviewed on a radio show about how to introduce sex toys into your relationship. So today it’s all about introducing new sexual experiences into your relationship.
Whether you have been together for 30 years or just five there comes a time when every move is known. You know that two flicks of the nipple and a slap on the ass means sex is going to be had and you’d better start getting your mind into the game. You know that the transaction (and many times it is nothing more than that) is going to take between one and 11 minutes. Time it, you’ll see.
Don’t you wish that you could revive that intense desire you felt in your teens, like the first time you fell in love or lust. Those first heady moments of your relationship that made you want to be naked every spare moment.
If, like many of us, the thought of getting naked in your under-heated home is one demand too far you may need to consider making some changes.
Nothing changes overnight so baby steps may be required. Nothing is going to change unless you both commit to it and put in the work; it all starts with conversation.
Many people have asked me over the years how to introduce toys, oral sex, swinging, anal sex and many other versions of sex into their relationship. The question inevitably comes from someone who believes without a shadow of a doubt that their partner will be too conservative to cope with the request. Sometimes they are right, but many times their partner is just waiting to be awakened.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to start a new sexual journey with your partner after all this time?
The best way to start is to start! If your partner is completely incapable of talking about sex even with the lights off and the curtains drawn there must be a place to talk about intimacy which could just be about kissing and holding hands. To have this discussion your partner has to trust you.
You move at the pace of the person with the most fear. So you may have wild and wonderful expectations, but unless your partner shares your curiosity you may be left hanging. It’s a discussion to be had in a safe place, not when you are in bed and on the short strokes, like some horny teenager.
I always suggest over dinner, or my favourite place - in the car. Neither of you has to look at each other while the conversation happens. It may start with “You know I always buy the Saturday Star to read Sharon’s column and this week she talked about what do you think?” Now I know from talking to my children that you have to be a bit more specific and put yourself on the line before you can get a commitment.
We have made our lives easier by adding all sorts of technology into the mix. We have a mobile phone that governs our social lives, makes calls, e-mails and tells us what to eat and when to exercise and yet we still can’t get our heads around a toy to enhance our sex play. Somehow this is the one area that remains technology free.
I think men are afraid that the toy (and here I refer to a penis-shaped dildo) will be bigger and more proficient than him and yes those do exist but when I talk about introducing a toy I mean for you to start small. An ammunition bullet or a love stone is not going to threaten anyone’s size complexes.
Show me a man that doesn’t like a remote control! A remote control egg is the business! It will have you giggling and squirming with pleasure all at the same time. And none of this has to break the bank. In fact my suggestion is to start reasonably cheap and cheerful just to see how you like it before you make a bigger and more significant investment with one of the top ranges like Swan or We Vibe.
It is guaranteed fun. Do not use it as the end game but rather as foreplay and who knows what can be next in your relationship. Play together - that’s what it’s about.