Relationships repeat themselves but, because it is human nature to blame the other partner, we hardly notice it. Even in a new relationship, the same issues will come up. Your solution is often the same: you leave. But sometimes if you can see past the blame, you can get yourself out of this repetitive cycle of relationship patterns.
This week’s question comes from Petro in Alberton: “Why do I have so much chaos in my relationships? This is my fifth major relationship and each time I reach a point where I can’t stand it anymore and leave. Is it me or him?”

Petro, I wonder if you have taken the time to reflect enough to discover that you are the common denominator in all your relationships. If you had this insight, you can take responsibility for your contribution in it. This decision alone will make your relationship more conscious. If you look for which issues keep coming up, you will recognise the "chaos" you resist so much is the link.

There is something peculiar about chaos. The soul thrives on it to bring about change; it is the diversion we create to draw attention away from dealing with our true fears. This begs the question: “What are you so afraid to lose that you would rather create chaos than face the real problem?" To answer the "why", you need to also ask yourself what is more precious to you, to protect yourself from seeing and feeling about yourself, than losing your partner?

Which image of yourself are you desperately keeping in place?

That you are hiding something from yourself only becomes apparent when you are at that pivotal point of deciding that you cannot deal with the chaos, that you created, any more. You resist dealing with the real fear by creating more chaos with a new partner instead. Your focus is kept on the partner’s issues rather than your own.

We protect our inner feelings as a survival skill. Very few people are able to be honest with themselves about what is happening. Most of us are in denial about the part we play to protect what we want to believe about ourselves. To admit the truth will hurt too much. We are driven by deep fears. Our actions are born in the unconscious psyche. Those self-sabotaging behaviours, which make no sense and which destroy our lives, are closely linked to our deepest fears.

Relationships that are conscious offer you the power to see yourself through an intimate relationship. When the relationship develops, you protect yourself from the truth by breaking up. Your partner offers you a soul mirror. Nothing speaks as clearly to us as the guidance within through an intimate partner.

Of course, this is a skill that develops. To learn more about who you are during intimate relationship moments when you are vulnerable is when the soul’s message is reflected through what we see in our partners. In this way, relationship has the power to touch us deeply and we avoid it in many ways, because it often means that we have to change. We are afraid of who we will become.

So instead of change we decide where to place everyone, including our own focus, far far away from the real issue. The chaos distracts you. This way you place attention where you want to place the blame. Is it you or is him?

The emotional charge of a situation gives us a clue. When you feel completely neutral, the issue is often not even an issue for them. What we resist lies with us.

I urge you to learn more about how reflection and projection works. What you resist the most hides a deeper message. You can avoid it for a while, but eventually you will have to face your deepest fears. Being single will not protect you from dealing with it. It just takes a bit longer. And if all this is too much for you to consider, then start with a decision to go one step further in your next relationship.

* Adelé Green is a transformation specialist coach and author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship. She provides answers here when posted on or you can chat to her online.

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