#SexColumn: Lagging libido, elusive orgasms – ageing is not for sissies

Lagging libido, elusive orgasms – ageing is not for sissies. Picture: YouTube.com

Lagging libido, elusive orgasms – ageing is not for sissies. Picture: YouTube.com

Published Jan 19, 2024


Ageing is a funny thing. I know we’re meant to be grateful that we have the privilege to age, and I am really. But hell, it’s not for sissies. I don’t think we were meant to get this old. In my family, each generation is outliving the previous by at least 15 years. If I am to outlive my parents, I’m going to be well into my 100s before I check out.

In the most basic terms, that means that I would have been having sex for over 80 years. That’s a long time to keep something fresh, exciting and desirable when your body is ageing and society subtly suggests that pleasure is not for the old. I know because I hear the bias like a dog whistle.

The best sex is had when you don’t have any hang ups, psychologically or physically, which is difficult enough when you’re young and firm but as you age and everything drags south, it’s not pretty is all I’m saying. Even the fittest and firmest of us get crinkly skin and without surgery our breasts sag, our asses shrink, our tummies take on motions akin to earthquakes, and let’s not talk about the constant fear of incontinence. How can one possibly remain sexy?

I always thought that there would come a time when I wouldn’t have to worry. My libido would go on vacation and never return, along with my partner’s. This, dear reader, is not to be. It would seem that sex will remain with me for a long time to come.

Orgasms are more elusive and longer foreplay is required. In a recent survey conducted by a sex toy manufacturer, 77% of seniors (read people like me) reported significant changes in their sex lives compared to when they were young. I can absolutely confirm this outcome. A total of 45% said they were having the best sex of their lives now that they’d aged. I’d like to preface that with: at our age, we know what we want and are afraid of wasting time seeing as it is now limited. So, we are able to say what we want and to hell with the rest. We do still have to get our shame and complexes out of the way. Of the respondents, 35% claim that their sex drives have gone up and are now bigger than when they were younger. Oh G-d help us all.

Kidding aside, I was recently following a thread on social media where women in perimenopause and menopause were lamenting their lack of libido. I loved the responses because so many women were in the same space. Some had never enjoyed sex but on the whole, they were sad that this had happened.

Now let me say that if you had told me that this would be possible in my life, I would have laughed and said “never”. I love having sex, it will never stop. And then one morning I woke up and would rather stab my partner than have sex with him. So I can confirm that it does happen, and you have to find a way to deal with it.

I kept it to myself for a long while and then got tired of pretending that everything was as it used to be. What used to work didn’t work anymore, and I needed something else, I just didn’t know what it was. I’m in the pleasure industry and felt like a complete fraud. Here I was spouting sex advice when much of it no longer worked for me.

I’m still figuring some of it out, but I am happy to confirm that while my libido is not back to my naughties level, it is a lot healthier than it was. This desire comeback is confirmed by a number of the contributors to the thread I was reading. The common denominator in all the comments is that you must share what you are experiencing with your partner. Together you can find a way. Chances are your partner’s libido and bits are no longer what they used to be, and they are terrified about the way forward.

I recently saw a sex menu that might help identify how your intimacy can be redefined. Think appetiser, main course and dessert. During the appetiser phase, identify what you enjoy as foreplay. As I’ve got older, I like a more refined approach – I still like a bit of rude and crude but not straight out the block. You need to get me there. My mind needs to be engaged.

Main course – what’s on the menu? And keep in mind that this changes. You may have liked chicken for dinner last night but not again tonight. Don’t make the mistake of serving the same dish for weeks in a row. Dessert is an often overlooked item on the menu, but I encourage you to indulge in a bit of after care. Personally, I hate running commentaries, but I love a glass of water, gentle touching in non-erotic places and an afternoon snooze.

Now, who in their youth would be able to tell you that?

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BY Sharon Gordon

Saturday Star