Tough times teach us the most about ourselves. And then there are certain moments when we change our values for better or worse.
This week’s question comes from Mell in Pretoria East: “I’ve always been strong in my relationships, whether with family, friends or my husband.
“The problem is that I’ve been taken for granted. When I find myself needing support from others, they are not there. I don’t think this is intentional, but it is still not easy. How do I deal with this?”
Being taken for granted often leads to feelings of resentment and it’s not something to sweep under the carpet. It’s important to realise that the feeling of being taken for granted is also a feeling. When we realise this, it puts us in the control seat to take our power back as it is up to us to do something about it.
Women who are strong also offer to help others from a place of strength. As long as appreciation is returned to them, it is easy to give. Even when nothing is returned there is often a value we hold, which is that one day, when we need it, we will be supported by the same people whom we have been supporting.
The sad part is that needy people are seldom those who can give from a place of strength as they see themselves as victims.
What makes this more complicated is that we give with an open hand when it comes to family and friends. One can never assume that another person’s values, even blood-related or chosen to be in our inner circle, are similar to ours.
We are all unique. The key is not to stop giving, but to discover the hidden lesson which is: Learning how and when to give. The secret to successful giving is feeling that we give from a place of strength. When we no longer feel like we give from strength, it is time to stop.
Those who are used to getting from you might react from a place of being deprived, instead of being appreciative for what was received before, and offering to give to you in return. My guess is that you find yourself here. What do you do when this happens?
Two areas are highlighted for evaluation. First, who appreciates what they receive and how will you know who to give to in future? Second, from what place within you are you giving and why? Do you want praise? Is that why you are giving? Should there be a different reason? Anyone whom we give to because we want approval can easily manipulate us.
Consider that if you give, you are doing it from a place of joy inside yourself. In other words: You give because giving gives you enjoyment for its own sake. The alternative is that you give because you are expecting something back like a “thank you”.
By now you are asking me: “Why on Earth would anyone want to do this?” I will answer this by saying you are experiencing this to learn something important for your own self-value. When we believe we are enough, we give because giving is our gift to the world, not to individual people. Giving has no expectation of exchange and our self-value is not dependent on feeding off the energy of others who appreciate us. If you can consider that this is how you will become even stronger and more independent, your moments of wanting support will teach you how to support yourself with all the energy you need to feel inspired from within.
Instead of living in an exchange with others who appear stronger at the time, your source of support will become infinite from within. And, your priceless value will draw even more abundance and support to you from everywhere, and possibly even from unexpected people, because the universe has your back.
Adelé Green provides answers here when posted on www.adele-green.com/askadele/ or confidential, fee-for-service, individual coaching via Skype to men and women. She is a transformation specialist coach and the author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship.
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