By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - Masturbation remains such a taboo subject for women. We automatically assume that boys are having a good feeling but the thought of women and girls getting in on the action is enough to send most of us into a tailspin. Not many women masturbate as part of their self-love routine and depend solely on a partner for pleasure.
May is Masturbation Month and it’s my job to educate you dear reader about the benefits of exploring your own body and experimenting with techniques that will add your pleasure.
Let’s keep an open mind around our bodies and our pleasure, we might not know how great something can feel. You may be too afraid to try something new with your partner, so why not try it on your own first.
Read something new, explore your body while you’re in the shower or the bath. Close your eyes and really feel. What feels good? What doesn’t? Once you know where to start you can take the next step.
Learn about your vulva
I’m not mad about the name vulva, it sounds too much like a make of car, but it is the correct name for the external make up of a female’s genitals. Get to know yours. It is made up of labia (the lips), anus, perineum, vagina opening and most important, the clitoris.
The clitoris is the most magic button. It serves no other purpose that we know of, other than pleasure. It has over 8000 nerve endings (more than double than the penis). It is not just what you see. It’s nerve endings run all the way down the labia and into the vagina.
We never talk about pleasure and honestly who has the time to pursue it? You should! Masturbation is a way you can explore your pleasure zones. I’m not talking about orgasm. That may be the end game, but don’t skip all the yummy bits in between.
If you’ve never touched yourself before this exercise is going to take time. I know time is a luxury but make it. It is as important as going to the gym or taking you vitamins.
Don’t rush it. Start by doing what you do to slow down. I have a long bath. Masturbation may end with your genitals but as many of us know great sex and foreplay starts in the head. You have to start by caressing yourself first. By the time we get to our vulva its very happy to see you.
I know this sounds like just something else you have to add to your to do list but I promise it’s good for you.
Focus on the journey, not the destination
We are so goal orientated when it comes to sex. We aim for orgasm and can forget how our senses are engaged during self-pleasure. Don’t just focus on the orgasm because it may very well delude you for a long while, especially if you’re new at this, feel nervous or guilty. Don’t! Just feel what your body is feeling. The sensations on your skin and where your mind goes.
Change things up: Position
Yes, we can even bore ourselves! We all have a go to position or toy. Why not change it up a bit?
If we are always lying on our back try exploring while sitting up, or on all fours, or standing up or maybe in the shower!
If we are a morning masturbator try before bed, or even just an afternoon solo session. Your body may respond even better at a different time of the day. This is meant to be fun so don’t fall into a rut.
Stimulate different erogenous zones
Yes, our clitoris is fun, but what about nipple stimulation, butt play, our inner thighs, tummy or chest?
Change up the stimulation you provide yourself by experimenting with different types of pressure and stimuli (try scratching or tickling), you may discover a new zone in your body that you enjoy!
Maybe you just don’t have any ideas. You’ve never been taught and have no imagination. You are allowed to use external stimuli to get yourself in the mood and maybe learn an extra trick or two.
Watch a bit of porn, read an erotic novel, look at some sexy pictures. Listen to erotic fiction on an audio book. There are many ways to get stimulated. The wonderful thing is it’s a great way to expand your knowledge, try it out on yourself and then introduce it into play with your partner. If it does nothing for you, at least you’ll know and you can throw it in the bin.
Change it up: Location
Take a risk, and change location from your bed, to the shower, kitchen, workplace bathroom. Nothing like a little adrenaline and a new experience to help us feel sexy. A small bullet vibrator is ideal for these occasions. I always say that road rage is no longer a problem when that little baby is nearby
Kick shame to the curb
If you think masturbation is dirty and a sin, then self-love is not going to work for you. You need to be comfortable with the idea. I have very strong opinions about why we are taught that it is shameful and wrong when it’s not. I’m happy to debate this with anyone who wants to at the appropriate time and in the appropriate forum. Please for your own sake kick that shame to the curb and start exploring.
Set the scene
Take the time to set the scene for yourself! Get in your sexy zone by playing some music, lighting candles or whatever else you do to relax and feel beautiful. Get everything ready. It’s just not sexy to have to break the rhythm because you forgot to turn the oven off!
Your hand may be good enough to give you all the pleasure you need but baby toys add a whole new dimension to your play. You need to find the ones that work for you. Size, level of vibration and intension are all important when choosing a toy.
If you’ve never played with adult toys before then let me suggest a trip to the Lola Montez shop for an education. You don’t have to blow your whole budget, start cheap and cheerful and work your way up. From experience I can tell you that level of vibration is different for each one of us.
Edging is a great way to add anticipation. You can do it by first noticing when you start to get very close to orgasm, then stopping all sensation before you can reach the point of no return.
Once you’ve calmed slightly, start up again. You can bring yourself to the edge countless times until you are desperate for orgasm, when you finally let yourself have the orgasm it will be madly intense. It might take some time to work out exactly how far you can push yourself before you can’t stop that orgasm from rolling through, but at least the practice is fun.
I once did a course on riding the ox home. No, it was not about sex but about how to control your mind and being aware of how quickly it strays from the topic even during sex.
You may find yourself thinking about that bloody to do list, or what still needs to be done before the children get home or have to go to school. Take notice and for want of a better description bring your mind back to the matter at hand!
This time is about your pleasure. Take a few breathes and start feeling the sensations again.
Lube is EVERYTHING. I repeat… EVERYTHING. And there are different types of lube for different types of play. A good silicone-based lube is great for masturbation with fingers alone, but if you are using a toy a good water-based lube is preferable to keep the toys condition optimal. Lube helps with the sensation and making sure that comfort is optimal during self-pleasure.
I make no secret that Pjur is my favourite brand of lubricant. It’s liquid gold!
Mix between clit and penetration
Exciting stuff, dual orgasmic experience. You can either use your fingers to stimulate your clitoris and internal, or you could use two different types of vibrators. This can get a little tricky, what I would suggest is investing in a dual-purpose toy. These are rabbit style toys and there are a multitude to choose from. Check them our on our website www.lolamontez.co.za
The anus has a lot of titillating nerve endings and is perfect if you want to enhance your stimulation. Using a lubricated finger, feel around the anus and find pleasure spots. You can also slide the finger inside or use a small butt plug for new sensations. It is a great secondary point of stimulation and can even speed up orgasms.
Do read our article on anal sex before you get too carried away. There are some safety issues that need to be taken into consideration.
After action, satisfaction
I like to do a debrief after every event. What worked, what didn’t, why and what can I do better. The same goes for a self-love session. Don’t jump up and make the sandwiches. Try to linger a bit and bask in the sensations you have just experience and thing about what worked, what didn’t and what would make it better next time.
Happy Masturbation Month!