By Sharon Gordon
I recently discovered that credit card payments have been disabled on my website because I sold bondage items on it. Bondage items were classified as anything used to inflict pain or used to tie someone up.
This is from a major payment portal – Payfast! Have you ever? I thought we’d put all this bias behind us with the explosion of 50 Shades of Grey! I read all the books, don’t judge me! There is a way to read them without having to wade through all the drivel. Watch the video on How to read 50 Shades of Grey.
I have to wonder if kitchen, pet or hardware stores have the same restrictions – think rope, wooden spoons, leashes, crops and pegs! I’ve tried to comply with the requirement and hopefully credit card payments will be accepted again. In the meantime, you can pop into the store in Hyde Park Corner, where no such restriction apply!
This week as a protest I’m sharing everything you wanted to know (but were afraid to ask) about S&M.
Even if you're not sure what S&M actually entails, the letters alone probably conjure up vivid images: Whips and chains, leather and latex, a tubby guy named Babba, tugging on his leash.
It's common to assume that sadism-and-masochism enthusiasts are at best unusual or shocking and at worst downright depraved. But are they really?
Anecdotal evidence does suggest that S&M enthusiasts differ from "normal" people in two ways: They have higher levels of education and tend to be very creative.
S&M is also more common than you probably think; experts estimate one in five couples dabble, and one in 20 engage in very serious play.
"Couples enjoy S&M in part because it lets them explore new roles and visit different places with each other," says Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Naughty Tricks & Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Erotic Pleasure. "Pushing the boundaries as far as you want can be an exhilarating release from the routine."
It also can solidify a strong foundation of trust and honest. And if you think you have little interest in S&M yourself, take a closer look at your sex life. Pinning your partner's wrists against the bed, tugging on hair, or biting a shoulder are simply milder ways of expressing desires that eventually lead some people to devote closet space to studded leather.
The trick part is figuring out how — and if — you want to take it to the next level.
Most males are raised to think it's never OK to be rough with a woman, and in South Africa with gender based violence established as a pandemic I have to be very careful with what we advise. This is something you have to overcome. I’m always amazed that we think it is the woman who wants to be tied up when more often that not it is the other way around.
After learning more about S&M and taking some baby steps, you may up really liking it.
Go slowly, sitting together — fully clothed, without sex playing any part — and practice using ropes (available online from your hardware store) and chains so that neither of you experience unwanted discomfort. Toys can be kept in a locked chest. Only bring them out when you are ready to play.
A big fallacy is that if you're into it, it's all you're into but most couples also enjoy regular vanilla sex.
Many couples belong to a local clubs — there are dozens nationwide, easily found by an Internet search — with classes on safe ways to explore kinks, and parties where couples can play in front of other members.
There's also an outreach program for law and psychology students and police officers, to help them differentiate between consensual and criminal sex. Of course, when cops need assistance sorting out sexual practice from crime, bringing up that practice with your partner can be more than a little daunting.
You could be lucky enough to find an entrée in casual conversation when your girlfriend tells you she is going to spank you for being grumpy. It may get you really excited. If it does have the conversation or purchase a crop (available from your local horse store)
One way to take the pressure off is to let a movie introduce the subject. With the relatively low-impact play in 9 1/2 Weeks or the more involved kinkiness in Billions (not to mention 50 Shades of Grey and all its sequels), you can broach your desires by first discussing the action on screen.
Point out what you think is sexy, then gauge the response. Drop hints whenever the chance arises, ask your partner to let you tie his tie, (available from any men’s online retailer) then mention it'd be fun to put it to another use sometime.
Begin with spanking or simple role-playing; look for substitute sex toys around the house. Pegs can pinch, say, a breast in a way that, when you're already aroused, can be intensely pleasurable. And you can have a lot of fun spanking someone with a wooden spoon. Building trust, disciplining loved ones, using cooking utensils — S&M is actually pretty wholesome. How dirty it gets is up to you.
In other words, you don't need to sport latex underwear and handle a whip like Indiana Jones to start exploring. See where I’m going with this payment portal rule makers?