Hooked on a feeling: Orgasms stimulate the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. Picture: Pixabay
Hooked on a feeling: Orgasms stimulate the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. Picture: Pixabay

#SexColumn: 'Orgasms are like opinions, the only important one is mine'

By Time of article published Oct 22, 2021

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By Sharon Gordon

The statistics on how many women can’t orgasm are astounding. It is estimated that approximately 30% of women will NEVER experience an orgasm. Many more will experience a lack of orgasm at some stage in their life.

It’s never been an issue for me until I went through menopause, and I have to say it came as a huge shock! I’m convinced that the underlying issue (aside from hormones and hot flushes) is that social convention states that ‘old’ people are not supposed to be enjoying sex.

It’s not true! But a lifetime of grooming leaves its mark.

This article is specifically for women but I urge men to read it so they can get an understanding that it isn’t them. Men need to brush up their techniques but mostly they just need to be patient.

If you are battling to have an orgasm, there are so many reasons it could be happening. Medication for anything including depression, the pill, high blood pressure, heart medication and much more. You could lose your mojo after childbirth, it will take some time but it will come back. I’ve already mentioned menopause. Have your hormone levels checked. There is no easy fix.

Once you’ve identified the reasons you cannot orgasm we can try to help you along the path to great orgasms.

The medical complications are the easiest to deal with.

A visit to your GP, tweaking your medication, sorting out hormone levels is relatively easy to do although many cannot talk to their doctor about the problems they are experiencing – it means you have to talk about sex!

We refer our clients to a sex positive GP we work with and if you want her number just give the Lola Montez Boutique a call on 0861 LOLAMO (office hours please) and we’ll refer you.

Sexual technique is another easy fix.

We’ll talk to you about trying different positions, learning new foreplay techniques and how to communicate your needs to your partner.

Try watching Yoni or Lingam Massage DVD’s available in store or read the tips and techniques regularly shared on Sharon’s Blog on the Lola Montez website or sign up to the monthly newsletter.

It’s when we get to the mental issues that things get a bit more difficult to resolve.

If issues are related to abuse, mental or physical we urge you to seek professional help and again we have several sexologists and therapists we can refer you to. We will also give you some sound solid advice and homework. It takes work but the payoff is so worth it.

The homework starts with you coming to terms with your own body. If the thought makes you break out into a sweat, I promise you are in good company! – Mine!

You need to start looking at yourself naked and while you’re at it have a really good look at your genitals. The easiest way to do this is to lie in an empty bath. Get your mirror and have a really good look at your vagina. Get your fingers involved.

Find your clitoris and see how much it looks like a mini penis. Pull the hood back, check your inner and outer labia (the lips).

You may need a bit of lube to make it more pleasurable. Check out your vagina entrance and if you’re brave enough insert your fingers and feel how wonderful, soft and velvety your vagina is.

If you are feeling too uncomfortable - stop. There is always later. If you are feeling anxious about doing this by just reading about it, you may have discovered your problem already. We have so many preconceptions about our genitals, touching them and allowing ourselves to experience pleasure.

If you find this impossible to do, please get help. If you are slightly uncomfortable or not at all then continue your search.

Repeat until you are completely comfortable with the process.

Then it’s time to move on – while your fingers are inside see if you can find your G-Spot and then find out what makes you feel good.

Everyone’s body is different. Your special spot may be two fingers up and one finger over on the outside. The clitoris has over 9000 nerve endings which cover almost the whole genital area, and your pleasure spot is hiding there somewhere.

If you know what feels good and where to find it, you’ll know how to guide your partner and when she guides you don’t take offense. If he tells you he has never had trouble before, post him back to the before!

Try to bring yourself to orgasm just using your hand. If you can great otherwise keep practicing. If you know what you’re looking for it is so much easier to find next time round. If you are wondering if you’ve ever had an orgasm – reply is if you are wondering, then chances are you haven’t. You’ll recognise it when you find it – I promise.

See which rhythms or pressures please you most. And then we recommend introducing a vibrator for extra pleasure. Try an Ammunition Bullet, Egg Vibrator or Lelo Lily. Remember they are called toys for a reason. They are part of the play and not the end game.

If you still can’t find your orgasm, bring out the big guns - The Wand.

This is a multi-speed vibrator in the likeness of the Hitachi Wand. We love the Wand for clitoral stimulation because it does not look like a penis but rather like a massager you can use on sore muscles. For reasons we all understand a non-threatening vibrator does far better for us. Not only that but the wand has a level of vibration that works!

This is important especially if you have preconceived ideas about vibrators.

We love it more because its vibration is so strong that you needn’t put it anywhere near your genital area to receive extreme pleasure from it.

And if at first you don’t succeed – just keep trying.

Don’t chase the orgasm just enjoy the journey and the rest will follow.

When you feel yourself starting to peak finish the orgasm with your hand because let’s face it – your partner is never going to vibrate, and he cannot possibly hum for 40 minutes.

Now you know what you are looking for – it’s time to introduce your partner to the party.

Show your partner what you’ve learnt and guide him. Good Luck!

The Saturday Star

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