Stevel Marc's book, The Refined Player: Sex, Lies, and Dates

In this extract from the book The Refined Player: Sex, Lies, and Dates Stevel Marc tells men that women love sex as much they do.

“Stevel, I’m always thinking about sex. Do you really think women love sex as much a men do?” is a statement and question I often get. “YES! They absolutely do,” is always my answer. Women may not think about sex as much as men do but they sure as hell love sex as much as we do – if not more, in some cases. That’s of course if she’s not wasting her nakedness (when the sex is over in minutes of it beginning).

During the interviews I carried out for my book, I found it incredible hearing how many men blamed their cheating on women not loving sex as much as they do. Let’s set the record straight here, fellas. Cheating has nothing to do with you or her loving sex more or less. Men and women cheat because of excitement and our own selfish desires, among other things which I’ll get to later. When it comes down to sex, she loves it as much as you do. Not only that, a woman may be waiting to be that nasty little porn star you’ve been dreaming of and perving over. You know what I’m talking ’bout. The majority of men have a porn stash or at least a few X-rated videos and pictures – as do some women.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing to be ashamed of or worried about if your partner watches porn, unless there’s a clear indication that they might be addicted to it, in which case they should seek counselling.

Porn is just one of those things for a guy. It’s about sex and we love sex – we think about it all day every day.

We can’t always explain why we watch porn. In the same way we can’t necessarily explain why we measure our dicks, which all men do at some point in their lives. I guess these are just some of those inexplicable, innate things we do. In the same way, a woman might check out her ass and boobs in the mirror after a shower or bath, or pull on her labia frequently because in her culture she’s been told it makes the vagina more pleasurable.

Fellas, come clean about your relationship with porn to your woman. It’s really heart-breaking for her to find your stash accidentally when you’ve never discussed it, or if you’ve pretended to be a saint whenever the topic arose. Don’t be scared to be vocal about your sexual needs and fantasies, regardless of how perverted they may seem in your head. A man often cheats because he feels he can’t do certain things that are considered “dirty” with his “clean” woman at home, not realising she’s dying to be that same adventurous “dirty” woman you go searching for in the street. She may sometimes say no to your requests but if you make her comfortable and pose the idea in an appealing manner, she might open up to the idea of trying. Of course, she won’t necessarily do everything you may have in mind but she’ll most likely go for the ride with you.

In my experience, every woman has a slutty little princess inside waiting for you to discover. She really wants to be your porn star, bad bitch, lawyer, doctor, librarian or whatever. Don’t be scared to pull that out of her; she’s waiting for your lead. Well, sometimes at least. She’s waiting to see your self-awareness and sexual liberation. Often she’ll wait for you to lead her out of fear of being seen as a “freak” if she’s the one who initiates. Some men say they want a freak but can’t handle the reality of having one. Some men want to marry the illusion of a freak, so their partner may habitually hold back to make those men think they’re the ones who brought out the freak in them – especially if the women want these men to see them as marriage material. Having said that, some men are genuinely capable of handling a real freak.

Fellas, in the same way you need a lady in the streets and a slut in your bedroom, she needs a gentleman in the street and an animal in the bedroom. In the same way you want some casual sex sometimes, she also wants that. A myth that some men have is always assuming a woman is looking for a serious relationship because that’s how “women are”, and therefore that is what’s expected. Sometimes she’s honestly just looking for a good f**k with no strings attached. As I said before, this doesn’t make her a slut. This is the refined player woman. She is fully aware of herself and what she wants without feeling she has to live her life to society’s standards of what’s right or wrong, or be told how to carry herself sexually. She’s comfortable having casual sex as long as you’re talented enough to fulfil her needs and make the ride worth her while.

Ask most women and they’ll tell you that when a woman is happy she’ll have sex with you as many times as you desire in a day – time and circumstances permitting of course. The trick to having a woman f**k you as much as you want to be f**ked is to keep her happy generally and sexually fulfilled by your performance. No woman wants to feel like she’s just “wasting her nakedness”, as a good friend of mine would say. According to her, “Your performance needs to be on par”. Take pleasure in pleasuring her; don’t just rush to your orgasm. Don’t get caught up in selfishly prioritising your pleasure and orgasm over hers. The experience is more worthwhile when your priority is to please her and, in return, she you.

Don’t rush to your orgasm looking and sounding like a gasping seal while she’s lying there unfulfilled and unsatisfied with only your “I’m sorry, baby. You know, it’s the first round” for her comfort. Not cool! Always find a way to make sure she’s climaxed if you happen to come before her.

Fellas, when it comes to sex, understand that she doesn’t always want a marathon session and that has nothing to do with you being less attractive or you not doing a great job sexually (although sometimes it is). There are times when all she wants is a good 20 to 30 minutes of amazing sex and to pass the f**k out. She’s your woman. You should know her well enough to know when she wants a marathon or a quick fix. There’s never an easy way for her to tell you that she wants you to finish up without your ego being bruised, so be cognisant of that fact and also pay attention to her body language. Some couples communicate this in a very straightforward way: “Daddy (or insert your preferred pet name here), please come for me.” Therefore, his ego remains intact because that’s their language. It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

It is important to communicate with your partner and prioritise fulfilling each other’s needs. And remember, she loves sex as much as you do – if not more in some cases.

Saturday Star