OPINION - I was seething mad - furious. I could kill him.
How was it possible that this man I adore and love with all of me just didn’t get it?
I lay next to him in bed and watch him peacefully asleep despite our heated row earlier.
I felt like I was sharing a bed and life with an absolute stranger despite being married to him for so many years.
I knew from previous arguments that we would now not speak for a few days.
Ego! That’s it. He is bloody arrogant and egotistical.
As expected, he ignored me and I went to work in a foul mood. This man makes me want to scream sometimes and he is supposed to be my husband!
The crazy thing is most of the women I spoke to at work told me I was wasting my time and that I should have an affair because everyone is doing it.
It apparently does wonders for a marriage. Really?
Despite the rage, the thought of being with anyone else never crossed my mind - but still I started to pay attention and realised that affairs are the new “in thing”.
I was disgusted and wrote about it on my blog. The overwhelming response astounded me. I realised that affairs really are the new trend but one message in particular stood out.
It read: “You so-called journalist who thinks you are God. Do you know how *f####g* pathetic and useless you holier than thou wives are and you have no clue how to keep your husbands happy.
“Do you know wives need to love and appreciate their husbands, so they won’t come running to us women who can give them what they need. Instead of writing the nonsense you write, maybe you should write an article on how wives should appreciate what they have.”
What!
She went on to talk about her affair with a married man, who has three children but cannot leave her alone because she knows him and knows how to make him happy.
But here’s the thing.
Despite all she gives him as a mistress, he hasn’t left his wife and children because leaving would mean losing too much.
My first instinct was to give her a bloody rude awakening but then something happened that shook me to my core.
It made me question everything I am as a wife.
I mean, I think I am an excellent wife. I cook the best meals, make sure everything in our house is in order, take care of everything for the kids, etc.
I make sure my husband has the best lunch, pray for him constantly, support and encourage him and show him off to everyone because I truly am so proud of him.
I try to be the perfect home-maker but am I really his wife, his lover, his best friend, his confidante or are we just two people who share an immense love for each other and our children but somehow along the way became strangers.
I sat with him that night, swallowed my pride and asked him a list of questions I honestly did not know the answers to about him.
And he couldn’t answer the questions about me either.
I mean, I didn’t know his new pants size, what razors he used, that he was addicted to hazelnut lattes every morning and was crazy about “house” music.
Somehow, we became so immersed in being parents first and building a financially viable life together, that we forgot how to be husband and wife.
Instead, we unconsciously fell into an “arrangement”.
We became so consumed with the stresses of everyday life and the routines we formed, we no longer had time to find out what each others days were about, who we met or the challenges we faced.
Our fights, based on those unspoken frustrations, led us to taking each other for granted and not appreciating each other because our roles as husband and wife became one of obligation.
We are house mates and parents, but not a couple.
The reality is that he is my husband and I am his wife and a marriage is sacred.
No marriage is perfect, and will all go through rough patches but having an affair is not just a mistake but a bad choice.
It’s the most disrespectful and unforgivable act of rejection of your spouse that not only hurts your spouse, but an entire family.
So before you think that having an affair is the answer because you grew so far apart, remember there was a time when something sparked such intense love between you two.
That flame needs to be reignited and built into a bonfire again because this is the person you built a history with, a life with, have kids with, who knows the inner most part of your soul, your strengths, weaknesses, the person you can be your ugliest and most beautiful with and the person you committed to spend the rest of your life with.
We need to make each other the most important people.
So often we say our children are more important but when they grow up and go their separate ways
So the energy we would waste on having an affair can also be the same energy we use to rekindle the very same love that bound us together in the first place.
Affairs are quick fixes.
Marriages are permanent fixtures in the very foundation of our history of love.
It’s built over time not over a few minutes of ecstasy. So never give up unless there is nothing left to fight for and especially not for a third person.
And yes, there are moments when we fight, when we drive each other insane, when we disagree and when we hate each other so much we can throw each other off a cliff but we also love each other enough to run as fast as we can to catch each other before we hit rock bottom.
Let’s live in love and not lust, in appreciation and not anger, in strength and not weakness. Appreciate and make every moment count.
You Choose Life.