ANOLENE THANGAVELU PILLAY
Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS) is a prevalent mental illness and has yet to be recognised in the field of psychological science.
This article aims to promote awareness among men who display symptoms of NGS unknowingly. Through reflection on universal cure concepts, men with NGS can uncover their personal excellence, as highlighted in this article.
Considering that some men’s “overall” package may be lacking in some way and their niceness cannot compensate for it, niceness alone may not suffice. Hence, the idea that “nice guys finish last”, regardless of their good qualities. Even though women tend to favour niceness, there may be a sizeable minority who do not.
The NGS syndrome is a pattern of behaviour that some men display by being overly nice to others. The typical nice guy prioritises the needs of others first. The NGS occurrence cannot be blamed on either gender. Blame is an unattainable concept that relies on cause and effect bias, and will not resolve this problem (or any other).
What causes this problem? Dr Robert Glover, the author of “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, discusses NGS as a cultural and psychological problem prevalent today. His focus lies in the psychological concept of people-pleasing and approval-seeking. The book asserts that men with NGS operate under the same paradigm: “If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life”.
Being a nice person means behaving in a kind and considerate way that reflects one’s values. The pattern of behaviour disconnects nice guys from their own masculine energy. Nice guys who do not assert themselves transmit the message that their decisions and opinions are not worth considering. Demands are placed on nice guys even when it is an inconvenience.
Why not build a “muscle” of assertiveness to strengthen your confidence? Understand your needs, limits and values before setting boundaries. The modern world has its imperfections and the individuals in it cannot read your mind and have not decided to put your needs at the centre of it.
Develop assertiveness to advocate for your thoughts, opinions, rights and space. Why not be enthusiastic enough to embrace your masculinity? The habit of making yourself heard without being overly accommodating or defensive: others will be more open to hearing you. Take small yet powerful steps.
If the NGS symptoms resonate with you, question: Do I overcommit to work? Social obligations? Difficulty prioritising? Suffer burnout? Suffer unmanaged stress, anxiety or depression? Or an inability to say “no”.
The Nice Guy creates situations where men do not understand their own needs and how to meet them. Confusion may lead men to fail to identify who they are or what they stand for. Gillette’s (razor blades company) advertisement, “We Believe: The Best Men Can Be”, opens a discussion about the potential of men to go beyond a narrow definition of what it means to be a “real” man. The advertisement solely focuses on men who display NGS symptoms.
How can a Nice Guy regain control? The science behind intuition is not only a powerful skill but also a sign of intellect. Intuition is necessary for those who want to make great intellectual leaps forward. Your subconscious mind is using its vast store of insights accumulated over the years, creating your gut instinct.
Rewire your brain using your experiences to shape your true identity, based on your needs or decisions. Focus on separating from the victim mindset of NGS. Eliminate any limiting or incorrect beliefs that are preventing you from being assertive. Recognise your weaknesses to prevent life-altering situations or resentments caused by unfulfilled needs that have been built over time.
Setting your needs aside to accommodate others or remaining silent can take a mental health toll. If you fail to have an unshakeable sense of self-worth, others will gradually take away your dignity and self-respect, bringing you to a point that causes you to second-guess your principles, opinions, decisions or choices.
Having a “mind of your own” displays strong independent thinking by developing the will to resist the passive ploys of others. Breaking the victim paradigm can be a challenge if you have believed from childhood that your decisions/needs are invalid. A complex web of feelings and emotions has emerged proving to be a challenge to escape. Change is scary but so is staying the same.
Rather, wish to uncover the courage from within to live a life that reflects your excellence, not the life others expect of you. To gain the love and respect of others, it’s important to first respect and love yourself.
Should men tear down the civilisation they have built fiercely over decades and return to their old mindset of being men?
Anolene Thangavelu Pillay is a psychology adviser.
Daily News