It was around 2am on a Tuesday morning when I was woken by my cellphone’s blaring ringtone. Being woken up at 2am by Cyndi Lauper’s Girls’ Just Wanna Have Fun is weird no matter how many times it happens. Sure, it wasn’t the manliest of ringtones for me to have and you’re probably wondering “What the eff?”
The thing is, my sister borrowed my phone for a while and she downloaded it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Anyway, Cyndi Lauper was screaming her ass off in my room and I found myself searching in the dark for my cellphone in my groggy state. The thing about 2am phone calls is that they never bring good news. I couldn’t help being a bit anxious.
Eventually - after knocking over shelves and bumping my big toe against the cupboard - my BlackBerry revealed itself to me, the LCD flashing under the bed.
I took a deep breath and answered, bracing myself for the worst, only to find that it was MJ calling to boast that he had just clocked the new Call of Duty game. I told him to bugger off and was about to go back to bed when there was another ringing noise in the room.
It was that old-fashioned shrill telephone ring, the kind of ring we were used to before Cyndi Lauper ringtones. I knew at once it wasn’t my cellphone; it was the red phone. The red phone was for matters of extreme importance. It had been installed as a secure means through which my “contacts” could get hold of me. I felt a chill run down my spine as I slowly picked up receiver.
“Hello?” I answered.
“It’s me,” the voice on the other end replied. I recognised it immediately as Peter Jinn, my stand-in wingman when Matt isn’t around. Jinn performed as a magician for a living and had several names. I didn’t bother finding out his real name.
“Is this line secure?” Jinn asked.
“It’s a landline. Nobody uses these anymore, so I wouldn’t be worried about anyone listening in.”
What came next reminded me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother.
“The window is open,” Jinn said after a deep breath.
I was silent on the other end of the phone. “Masood? Did you hear me?” Jinn pushed.
“I hear you.”
“The window is open and it’s time to move, buddy.”
Jinn cut the call immediately.
I’d been waiting for this call for a long, long time.
You see, Tasha had been going out with Richard, an idiot jock, for a few months but I had heard rumours they were on the verge of a breakup. I had received intel reports that this breakup was imminent but I knew I had to assign my friends to keep their ears peeled so I would know the moment it occurred.
I had befriended Tasha two weeks into her dating stint with Richard. As disappointed as I was that she wasn’t single, I knew my opportunity would come when she would be single again and that I would have my chance to strike.
This, my friends, brings us to the Window Theory.
This theory argues that when a girl has broken up with her boyfriend there is a specific window period that you have to move in on her before she goes back to her ex or enters into another relationship with someone else. Generally, the window of opportunity lasts a month.
However, this month tends to be a very delicate time for the girl - you can’t strike too early. If you try get in there the day after the breakup, you will get slammed because she is dealing with all that emotional stuff that you don’t want to get involved in.
Making a too-early attempt will also result in her withdrawing from you because hanging out with you will be “weird” now that she knows you want her.
If you happen to strike it lucky within the first week of the breakup, you would have positioned yourself firmly as the rebound man - and that’s all you will ever be. Remember what happened when Russell Crowe moved in on Meg Ryan? It’s common knowledge that the rebound man never gets dated no matter how great a guy he is. You don’t want to end up being him if you really like the girl.
Striking too late can also put you out of the game. By week three, several other vultures have started to circle the prey and at that stage there is probably already a leading contender. Joining the chase too late will be a disadvantage as you won’t be able to catch up with the competition.
The ideal time to make your move is somewhere in the middle of the one-month window. Wingman Matt, who generally applies Window Theory quite a bit, says that between eight and 10 days is probably when you should be making your move.
Sure, you won’t necessarily be dating immediately but you would have shown your interest clearly and positioned yourself as the prime candidate. Note: you may find yourself in an endurance race depending on how serious the girl’s previous relationship was and how much baggage she is still carrying. The worse the breakup the tougher it’s going to be.
HOW TO CLIMB THROUGH THE WINDOW
* Social Networking - if you’re interested in a girl always monitor your news feed and her relationship status updates on Facebook. This allows you to start your eight-day move-in countdown. Offering your condolences on the breakup via Facebook or Twitter is a nice way to get the ball rolling.
* Field Agents - always establish “assets” within her circle of friends who can give you the latest intel and tip you off to a imminent breakup.
* Stealth - move slowly and undetected as you worm yourself closer to her. The last thing is you want is to smash the glass as you climb inside.
* Keep it casual - as opposed to asking her on a full-blown date early on, keep it simple with a daytime coffee meeting. You don’t want to come on too strong too soon.
* Get a calendar - how else are you going to know when eight days are up? - Sunday Tribune