Johannesburg - Time was when, come the weekend, your teenage children would head to a club or a party with friends.
You'd worry about them until they got home.
Now we worry for a different reason - we can't seem to get our kids out of the house at all. They prefer to stay home either playing computer games or watching TV. You worry about their social isolation. It can't be healthy.
What's happened to our children? Teenagers are more connected to their peers than ever before in human history, and yet they are alone so much of the time, often in the solitary confinement of their rooms, with computers, tablets, smartphones and TVs as their constant companions.
The son of someone I know is a bright, friendly boy, but neither friends nor family can dislodge him from the two-screen command centre in his room. He will turn down meals out, movies, parties, whatever, as he would rather engage with Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) pals in London or New York than spend time with real-life peers.
Another parent worries that her daughter is very shy, and that it's “too easy for her to hide behind her various screens of technology”.
Most parents, even if they accept the technology habits in their children, are concerned that their social skills are being seriously inhibited in the process and that as social media entrenches itself in their lives, they lose the ability to make friends and connect in real time.
In her book Alone Together, American social psychologist Sherry Turkle explores the ways that technology is changing the way people relate to one another, and found that the most dramatic change is in our ability to be “elsewhere” at any time, to avoid a personal interaction that is awkward by simply retreating into social media on our phone or tablet.
The implication for teens is that they often seek social validation in the form of fragmented texts, icons or pictures rather than engage with a real person. Allowed to continue, they risk turning into adults who “cannot approach others as full, individual, differentiated people”.
It adds up, in extreme cases, to being a socially reclusive adolescent who lives a markedly unbalanced life and is increasingly compromised in his or her ability to bond with others, either in a normal, day-to-day relationship or in a team. Sitting glued to a screen for hours, be it small or large, also sets the stage for a sedentary, inactive lifestyle.
Mark de la Rey, senior clinical psychologist at Akeso Clinic and the Akeso Kenilworth Young Adult unit manager, confirms that for some adolescents, technology dependence has become a problematic addiction, which “negatively influences the balance we need to function in a healthy way”.
“Each scenario is different, and we should be careful not to pathologise a kid, but when screen time affects their social, family, school life, then there's a problem,” De la Rey says. “So if homework is being put off, and your child avoids real-time social interaction beyond school, if they prefer to stay in and play computer games, it's cause to intervene.
“There might be an issue of low self-esteem and awkwardness socially, which might start off with avoidance through technology and turns into an addiction,” he says.
Experts are divided as to whether an addiction to technology causes depression, or depression causes the addiction, but De la Rey posits that depression is often the underlying cause of an unhealthy obsession with a screen, adding that it is more prevalent in boys who struggle to make friends at school. This view is supported by at least one 2010 study by psychologists at Leeds University which found that “over-engaging in websites that serve to replace normal social function might be linked to psychological disorders like depression and addiction”.
De la Rey suggests that if parents are genuinely concerned, they should seek help from a psychologist or family counsellor to at least eliminate any underlying mental health issues.
Then, to tackle the problem, the common approach is to mentor or coach the teen, encouraging him or her to participate in a social, extramural or sporting activity, aside from setting limits on screen time.
To ensure the limits are adhered to, parents will need to ensure that the devices don't follow their teens into their bedrooms. “Children these days are wildly clever, and they often switch on after parents have gone to sleep,” says De la Rey.
To try to gain an insight into what's going on, he also advises parents to keep talking to their child. Familiarising yourself with your teen's cyber world is important in any event, to get a sense of what is drawing them into it, and in the case of social media, become aware of the dangers out there.
Behaviour specialist and psychologist Ilze Alberts comments: “Think of it this way: you are not going to change the world, and in fact technology is advancing all the time, so rather try to keep abreast, because then you will not only be able to become part of your teen's world, but know where the dangers lie and how to set boundaries.”
Complete cessation might be necessary to recover from any other addiction, but it is not feasible to entirely remove technology from a teenager's life, because at the end of the day, email, online research, cellphone banking etc are all indispensable in the modern world.
“It's important to understand that technology is important to children today, and what's important to you is what you stay true to. This is not in itself a bad thing,” says Alberts.
“The so-called Y-generation think about and experience the world in an entirely different way to we did, with their way of networking, playing and receiving knowledge channelled through technology which is right at their fingertips. If you withhold technology from your child, you will alienate him and it could end up destroying the relationship you have with him.”
Neither should parents be overly concerned about teens wanting to stay home rather than join the gang on a weekend night out, she says. “It means that going out is just not that important, and many parents are actually thankful that their teen is safe and sound at home,” says Alberts.
Educational psychologist Cara Blackie adds that if your teen is keeping up her grades at school, has a fairly active sporting and social life, but is putting in a lot of screen time and chooses to forgo weekend social events, don't immediately conclude there is a problem.
“This is the new way of interacting and communicating, and many young people will one day need precisely these skills to make it in their careers. In fact, every day new career paths are opening up for them with changes and advancement in technology,” she says.
Resources:
Cara Blackie: educationalpsychologist-jhb.co.za
Ilze Alberts: ilzealberts.com
Akeso Clinics: akeso.co.za
Signs of online addiction
* Craving more time on the computer and internet.
* Neglecting friends and family.
* Feeling restless when not engaged in the activity.
* Computer use interfering with school performance.
* Being dishonest with others.
* Withdrawing from other pleasurable activities.
Source: netaddictionrecovery.com
Tips to deal with tech overuse
* Set an example. Limit your own computer or cellphone use. Instead, make time to help your teens with homework, and engage with them.
* Phones and tablets should be switched off at least 45 minutes before bedtime.
* Phones and tablets should also not be on the desk during study or homework time, unless the tablet is necessary for homework.
* All phones should be put on silent during dinner time.
* Talk to your teens. Find out if they are having problems at school, with friends, or if there is another reason for them wanting to retreat to the computer.
The Star