While it may seem hilarious, dealing with an alcoholic at Christmas is fraught with anxiety. Perhaps you want to desperately have the family all together but are afraid that this one person will ruin it all.
Carole Bennett, the international author has had much to say on the topic of alcohol abuse. Here is her advice summarised: we suggest taking it in your stride though, it is after all the silly season:
* Torn between the pull of family unity and the possibility of uncertain behaviour?
Keep in mind that you are in control, not the alcoholic/addict. This active role on your part has you establishing fair, yet concrete boundaries well before the scheduled event.
* Pick boundaries that are important to you and must be adhered to by the alcoholic/addict or they will not be welcome to participate in the family festivities. Keep it simple, doable, short and to the point.
* Don’t bring up old examples of how the alcoholic/addict let you down in the past as doing so might provoke an argument which serves no purpose.
* Like with any boundary, it must be accompanied with clear ramifications if those conditions are not met. IMPORTANT: make sure that you both understand what those consequences are so no one can dispute a misunderstanding or feigned ignorance as to the intention of the plan. In addition, it might be a good idea to tell the other family members what that arrangement is so everyone is on the same page and there can be no surprises.
* Don’t let your boundaries be built on quick sand where you acquiesce because the alcoholic/addict spins an excuse as to why they have not lived up to their end of the bargain. Don't fall prey to thinking “Oh well, I’ll overlook this because it’s the holidays”.
* Nothing can ruin a festive spirit faster than family and friends witnessing the alcoholic/addicts outrageous behaviour or uncontrolled actions and left with no outs other than trying to sweep it under the rug.
Here are some simple, respectful boundaries that you might want to consider:
* Them arriving at the designated time, being well groomed and dressing appropriately.
* Being clean and sober is paramount to participation. If you smell alcohol on their breath or they act intoxicated or high you will not let them in, or if they live there, you will ask them to stay away from the festivities until the event is over.
* A cheerful and kind demeanour is also an entry ticket as anger or a “woe is me”; chin on the buttons attitude is not welcome.
If they don’t like your holiday rules and regulations, be committed to a response like “That makes me sad that you won’t be joining us, but that’s your choice”.
They now have to shoulder all the responsibility for their decision even though they may try to blame you. As disheartening as that outcome may be, you are taking care of yourself and the other members of your family and in the long run you will have earned a newfound respect not only from the alcoholic/addict, but family members and friends as well.
In contrast, suppose your loved ones’ clean and sober programme is in its infancy; ask them if they have reservations about the evening.
Maybe they are anxious about “Uncle Joe” attending, for he always gets intoxicated, as this might pose a strong trigger of relapse. Respect the recovering alcoholic/addicts’ discomfort if they share that a specific individual’s presence generates a strong resentment, or someone they used to party with which can teeter them toward a “slippery slope.”
It might be wise to formulate options that both you and your loved one are comfortable with, like maybe not inviting “Uncle Joe” or others where their sobriety may be tested.Conversely, if there is someone that has difficulty being in the same room with your loved one, don’t try to make that square peg fit into a round hole just for the sake of “goodwill toward all men”. Even with good intentions, anything can blow up between people that struggle with each other on any other day.
Since you still might want to share some of the holiday with your loved one, an option might be to have a quiet pre- or post-Christmas dinner alone; just the two of you (or smaller family group) where there is no possibility for friction or altercation coming from that specific person.
Holidays can be wonderful and fun. But they are certainly more enjoyable if there is warmth and love, coupled with respect and dignity toward each other.
After all, it should be a time of reflection on the abundance of gratitude that the year has brought. Hopefully the alcoholic/addict can participate with their family and friends as they would like and as you would like as well..
Lifestyle Reporter
* Bennett is the author of Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/ Addict and Is there a Dry Drunk in your life?