London - Whenever Alan Semp tells his wife Janey he loves her, she responds not by repeating those all-important three little words, but with two rather less romantic ones: ‘Yeah, right!’
The 54-year-old administrator from Manchester has never uttered the sentiment because she ‘doesn’t see the need to’ - despite the fact her long-suffering husband longs to hear her say it.
It may sound cold, heartless and even a little selfish, but Janey denies all three charges, saying her husband of 29 years knows she loves him: ‘I’m still with him, aren’t I? So why do we need to sound like a pair of Disney characters?’
Meanwhile, Alan feels the absence of such a declaration as keenly as the first time he uttered the words, only to receive silence in return.
‘What rattles me most is that she says it on the phone to her mother, sister and our 28-year-old son Oliver,’ says Alan. ‘I just get “bye”, which, deep down, is hurtful.’
You might wonder how marriages can sustain such aloofness, but I know all about that.
Last month, I wrote in this paper about the husbands who never tell their wives they love them - my own spouse included.
However much I beg, plead or whimper for him to say the words I simply ache to hear, he refuses.
I had an enormous response to the article. But while I expected to be inundated by letters from women whose husbands wouldn’t say those magic words, I was shocked to find that a large number of men got in touch, devastated by their wives’ reluctance to declare their love.
While such reticence is hurtful enough when it comes from men - who, as a sex, tend to be of the opinion that actions speak louder than words - isn’t it more unusual for women to hold back like this?
Relationship psychologist Corinne Sweet believes evolving gender roles mean men are more comfortable with talking about their feelings while women are becoming less and less willing to reveal their emotions.
Working in competitive, male-dominated environments can leave women unable to get in touch with their softer side.
‘Men no longer have to play the typical masculine role,’ says Corinne. ‘They are more willing to express their feelings. Compounding that is the fact women have toughened up. They seem to take charge in a relationship, and that could have an impact on the balance between men and women saying: “I love you.” ’
Janey and Alan met through friends when she was 25 and he 45. Though she was attracted to him, it was he who was the romantic, telling Janey he loved her after a couple of months.
But instead of declaring the feeling mutual, she batted away his words.
‘It was disappointing - and quite hurtful,’ says Alan. ‘When a man says it, he expects to hear it back.’
But Janey insists: ‘Having to make constant romantic gestures suggests you have something to prove all the time. And who needs that pressure? I adore and appreciate Alan. He’s a wonderful husband: thoughtful, considerate, loyal. He’s my rock. But if he stopped saying “I love you”, I doubt I’d even notice.’
But if she feels the emotion, can’t she just say it for her husband’s sake? Absolutely not, she insists.
‘I’m not going to say it to please him when the words are meaningless to me. Is it selfish when it would mean something to him? Maybe. But it’s more selfish to be a fraud.’
Harsh words, indeed. But then, by her own admission, Janey never sends Valentine’s Day cards or buys wedding anniversary presents. And as for putting kisses at the bottom of a text message, the very notion is dismissed with lip-curling disregard.
Could there be an underlying reason for such a stance?
Janey admits that her reluctance to acknowledge her love for her husband may stem from her pre-teen years, when her grandfather’s death was followed swiftly by her parents’ divorce when she was just 12.
‘I didn’t have a good relationship with Dad for many years after he split up with Mom,’ she says.
‘In fact, I only became close to him again after I married. I was close to my grandfather, and I think that his death and the divorce probably made me this way. Looking back, it may be linked to losing men or feeling disappointed in them.’
Even the decision to get married nearly three decades ago was, thanks to Janey, decidedly unromantic: ‘I told Alan I had no interest in weddings or rings, but I did want a baby.’
He said they’d have to be married first. Oh, and he insisted on spending his hard-earned cash on a beautiful diamond engagement ring, even though his wife rarely wears it.
Nearly 30 years on, Alan, a retired clothing retailer, admits that he continues to lament his wife’s aversion to romance, but says he has given up hope that his declarations of love will ever be reciprocated.
‘I do know Janey loves me - she is a wonderfully devoted wife. But she seems not to care about telling me. I accept she isn’t one for sweeping romantic statements; she never likes me surprising her. But I just wish she’d surprise me once in a while by saying: “I love you” - especially if we’re sitting on the sofa together, just doing something simple such as watching telly.
‘I think it would bring something even greater to our relationship. The best I get is: “Come here and massage my feet, would you?” ’
Osteopath Nick Cowan is another husband who longs to hear his wife, Danielle, declare her love for him.
He even blames himself for her reticence, wondering whether the speed at which he declared his feelings accounts for her inability to tell him hers.
The couple met on a blind date eight years ago and Nick says he knew very quickly that Danielle was the one. He said ‘I love you’ for the first time in a rain-soaked St Mark’s Square in Venice just three months later.
Yet Danielle, to his great disappointment, simply smiled and said nothing in reply.
‘I was really thrown by her reaction,’ says Nick, 36. ‘I just expected her to say it back to me. I told myself perhaps it was a little early in the relationship - she had taken a bit of persuading to go out with me. I’ve not stopped saying “I love you” ever since.’
And Danielle has not begun.
Indeed, she has never told her husband she loves him. Not on their wedding day. Not on the birth of their son, Nate, two years ago. Never. Not that it’s enough to deter Nick, with whom she lives in St John’s Wood, North-West London.
‘I tell Danielle I love her in the morning when I leave for work and again when I come home - yet it simply doesn’t seem to be her way, which is such a shame,’ he says.
‘I know she’s busy - she’s studying to be a counsellor and she looks after our son - but even so, surely she’d have the time just to say it once in a while.’
Danielle, also 36, acknowledges that it still remains alien for her to say those three little words, even after five years of marriage and with baby number two on the way.
‘I just think it’s pointless saying “I love you”. It holds no guarantees.’ she says.
‘I think people believe that if you say the words, then it protects your relationship - like some kind of insurance policy. I don’t need Nick’s words. I know how much I mean to him and he means the world to me. I see he looks a little crestfallen that I hold back.
‘But I do appreciate him. I find him attractive and he’s a brilliant husband and father. And he does all the ironing.
‘I just think to start saying it now would sound so forced. Would he want me to say it just to please him? That’s not the sort of relationship we need to have. In that respect, we’re just very different personalities.’
Danielle says that it isn’t just her long-suffering husband who is subjected to this treat-’em-mean-to-keep-’em-keen approach - she never told any of her previous boyfriends she loved them either, and doesn’t remember if they told her.
‘For men to be so open is just alien to me,’ she says.
Indeed, she claims the problem lies with Nick and that her previous partners were perfectly happy not talking about their emotions.
Recent research suggests that not saying ‘I love you’ to your partner may not be as unusual as it seems.
According to a recent YouGov poll, in the first two to five years, more than half of people utter it to their partner. This drops to 33 percent of relationships over ten years old and 18 percent over 50 years. Yet for those open-hearted men who want to express their love for their wives - and hear their wives say those magic words in return - not getting the response they want can be a bone of contention.
Natalie Smith, 31, who runs an appliance company with her husband Harry, 34, says that her inability to say ‘I love you’ can lead to blazing rows.
‘If we bicker, he’ll throw in “…and you never tell me you love me!” as if that is relevant. But I don’t have a comeback, because it’s true that I don’t say it. I’m not trying to hurt him. But they’re just words: they’re trite and meaningless.’
The couple, who live in Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, and are parents to Ellie, 13, Jude, seven, and Oscar, four, met when Harry was 16 and Natalie was just 13.
As childhood sweethearts, Natalie feels the longevity of their relationship should speak for itself. She puts her inability to articulate her feelings down to her personality.
‘Harry is a wonderful husband and a great dad,’ she says. ‘He works so hard for us to give us everything we want. We have the same sense of humour, love the same music - we’re totally on the same wavelength. And I think our relationship has only got better over the years.
‘For example, a few years ago I had to have laser treatment on my womb and so was essentially sterilised. We hadn’t planned any more children, but still, as a woman, you don’t want medicine to take that option away from you. You want to decide for yourself.
‘I remember Harry saying just before the operation that he loved me, that it wouldn’t matter to him that we couldn’t have any more children.
‘I was grateful for that, but I still didn’t say it back, even though I felt the most enormous love for him. Why would I need to spell it out?’
Harry, 34, says he remains deeply frustrated by Natalie’s lack of romantic interest - however hard he tries. And try he does, lavishing her with flowers on Valentine’s Day and buying her a pair of expensive shoes on Mother’s Day.
He’ll even surprise her with romantic weekends away, arranging for grandparents to look after the children so that he can whisk Natalie to a little country hotel.
‘It really frustrates me that Natalie doesn’t say “I love you”. I would love to hear it,’ says Harry.
‘She even turns her face away when I go to give her a kiss on the lips when I come in. That really gets to me.
‘If we hadn’t been together for so long and didn’t have such a good relationship, I really would question why she doesn’t say it. In my book, if you love someone then you should be able to tell them.’
Relate counsellor Denise Knowles says a refusal to say ‘I love you’ could reflect a fatal flaw in the relationship - or cause one.
‘When a wife doesn’t oblige, it could be perceived as potential rejection, however strong the relationship may be. It could suggest some kind of disconnect in communication.
‘And if a man needs to hear those words as a way of showing love, perhaps a woman needs to say it.’
But Natalie Smith disagrees: ‘I don’t need to say it and I don’t need to hear it. Harry knows how much I love him. That should be enough.’
For the sake of their marriage, let’s hope it is.
Daily Mail