50 ways to wake up to a break up

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

Published Nov 23, 2011

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1 Live on television

Katie Price broke the news that she was considering ditching Alex Reid during an interview on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! in 2009.

2. At record speed

According to country singer Taylor Swift she was dumped in a 27-second call from Joe Jonas.

3. On Alastair Campbell’s advice

Alastair Campbell recounted in his diaries that he called Robin Cook at Heathrow airport in 1997 to tell the then foreign secretary that the News of the World knew about his mistress and future second wife Gaynor Regan.

4. Via SMS

Kevin Federline, Britney Spears’s ex, got the news about their divorce through an SMS. His reaction was caught on camera by a MuchMusic crew.

5. In the Big Brother house

Katia Ivanova broke off with producer Jonas “Basshunter” Altberg after the pair canoodled in the Big Brother beds. “In the end, it’s not worth it,” she told him.

6. With a sensitive fax

Daniel Day-Lewis reportedly dumped French actress Isabelle Adjani by fax – after she told him she was pregnant. Nice.

7. On Oprah

Matt Damon told Oprah that he and Minnie Driver were no longer together. It was said to be the first Minnie had heard of it.

8. To the Tower

When you’re the 16th century King of England, break-ups are easy ... off with her head!

9. Leave them to found the Roman Empire

As Dear John excuses go, it’s a good one. In the myth, Aeneas ditches lover Dido on Carthage to found Rome.

10. Throw his/her clothes out the window

Ronnie Wood tipped young girlfriend Katia Ivanova’s clothes out of the window of their London home.

11. Cryptically

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman; Cruise’s statement read: “Nicole knows why.” He dodged questions about it, while Kidman was still asking what went wrong.

12. Sleep with the staff

Maria Shriver moved out after Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a household staffer.

13. Don’t crash the car

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren split, prompting reports of affairs with at least 14 women. He crashed his car outside their home after an alleged row.

14. Claim the marriage was illegal

Mick Jagger had his nine-year marriage to Jerry Hall annulled when it was found that their Hindu wedding on the Indonesian holiday island of Bali was invalid.

15. Become too famous for them

Indian star Aishwarya Rai met Rajeev Mulchandani when she started as a model. She dumped him for the more famous Salman Khan, when Bollywood came knocking.

16. Become a Scientologist

Jennifer Lopez’s marriage break-up from husband Marc Anthony was reportedly over arguments over the singer’s alleged Scientology beliefs.

17. On Twitter

Though technically they’d already split, Kim Kardashian rubbed salt into Kris Humphries’s wounds when she “unfollowed” him on Twitter last week.

18. Seize their throne

Catherine the Great deposed Tsar Peter III in a coup d’état in 1762. He died a few days later.

19. Appear on Strictly...

Boxer Joe Calzaghe reportedly split from his girlfriend after falling for a dancer on BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing, as did actor Ricky Whittle.

20. Fake your own death

Make a clean break, just like the cheating pair in the play The Mercy Seat, who “disappear” on September 12 2001, the day after they were both supposed to be in the World Trade Centre, but were in fact on an illicit rendezvous.

21. Spend your sixth anniversary in a hot tub with another woman

That’s what Ashton Kutcher allegedly did to Demi Moore (though he denies it).

22. Get a cuddly toy to deliver the message for you

US company Break Up Bears claims to offer a service sending doleful toy bears bearing Dear John letters in satchels. The jilted one gets to keep the bear.

23. Slag off your lover in a national newspaper

Rod Liddle and Rachel Royce exchanged blows in The Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail in 2004.

24. Write it in a letter

Tiger Woods ditched high school sweetheart Dina Parr with a carefully worded letter. Sensitive boy.

25. At the altar

It’s not just Dustin Hoffman who does this. An Australian groom left his bride at the altar – for a man.

26. On Valentine’s Day

Kelly Osbourne reportedly got her marching orders from youthful beau Bert McCracken on February 14.

27. Leave the country

Julia Roberts reportedly jumped ship, and time zones, days before her planned wedding to Kiefer Sutherland, later leaving the US for Ireland.

28. In a hospital ward

US presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich visited his wife in hospital after she underwent surgery for cancer – to discuss the terms of their divorce. Gingrich disputes the account.

29. Have a bath

Princess Diana’s brother Earl Spencer reputedly asked for a divorce from then wife Victoria while soaking in the bathtub.

30. Run away, never to be seen again

That’s what Lord Lucan did. He never had to deal with awkward chance meetings post-break-up. He did, however, murder the nanny – not advised.

31. Get parliamentary approval

George IV asked the House to deprive his wife Caroline of the title of queen. It declined.

32. Take out an advert in Variety magazine

When James Brown and Tomi Rae separated, they announced the news with a full-page ad, featuring a charming picture of the family at Disney World.

33. Get thrown into jail

One of literature’s greatest lovers, John Donne, was severed from his 17-year-old wife Anne, when her uncle sent him into Fleet prison. They were reunited when he got out.

34. Start a war with your brother-in-law

It worked for Mark Antony, who returned to Cleopatra and declared war on her brother Augustus.

35. Move out without telling your partner

Laura Dern returned home from time away filming in 2000 to find Billy Bob Thornton had left her for Angelina Jolie.

36. Discover your spouse is your sister

In 2008, the House of Lords was told the story of the twins separated at birth, who met in later life and married. The marriage was annulled.

37. Change your Facebook relationship status

Switch from “In a relationship” on Facebook, to “Single”. Yes, it’s spineless.

38. Escape to the continent

Lord Byron left his wife Anne for a free-wheeling life abroad only a year into their marriage.

39. Come up with a tired excuse

Give the old stalwart “It’s not you, it’s me” a twist. Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole, said of her ex, Brody Jenner: “Some-times when you love someone, you have to let them go,” according to The Hollywood Reporter.

40. Steal his mistress’s house pet

In fairness, the pair had been estranged for some time, but when the wife of MP John Hemming stole a cat from his mistress’s house, one sensed there was no going back.

41. Record an alimony album

Marvin Gaye gave half the royalties from the album Here My Dear to finance his divorce settlement with Anna Gordy.

42. Take half of everything they have

Cambodian divorcee Mouen Sarim and his family cut away half of the marital home and took the building materials to his parents’ house.

43. Send a ‘break-up’ card

A favourite features an elephant, alongside the message “I’ll never forget you”.

44. With a Post-It note

It happened to Carrie Bradshaw (in series six of Sex and the City). “I’m sorry I can’t, don’t hate me,” it read.

45. Challenge them to a test

In the film Diner, Steve Guttenberg sets his fiancée a test about baseball – fail and it’s over. Adjust difficulty depending on enthusiasm for lover.

46. Deprive them of their Nobel prize winnings

US economist Robert Lucas signed a clause in his 1988 divorce settlement that said half of any Nobel Prize winnings would go to his ex-wife. In 1995, he won the prize.

47. Write a cult hit song slagging them off

It’s still a mystery exactly whom Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain is about. One thing’s certain – they’re dumped.

48. With a massive sign on a telegraph pole

A mystery man apparently dumped his lover with a series of giant signs on telegraph poles in Sydney. The first said, “Jennifer, will you marry me?”; the second sign said: “Only joking, we’re breaking up.”

49. Get their goat

Australian Steve Killeen didn’t get much from his divorce settlement, but he did get his ex-wife’s pet goat.

50. Snitched on by the parrot

A Chinese woman returned home from a holiday, to find the pet parrot spouting “divorce”, “be patient” and “love you”. – The Independent

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