QUESTION: When I was 24, I had an affair with a married man. It ended when his wife found out. Years later, I met my lovely husband. Last week, my old lover contacted me on Facebook, and said he was in my area in September and would like to talk old times. I’d like to, too, but know my spouse would hate it. Is it so awful to keep the meeting secret?
ANSWER: Sins of omission can be nobly intentioned to spare hurt but that’s not always the true reason for our concealment. And the motivation is never more ambivalent than when it involves old flames.
I have no doubt your husband would be highly agitated if you told him your plan. Who could blame him? You don’t reflect on what would have happened, had the relationship run its course. Would you still feel like Cathy and Heathcliff after 20 years of Tesco trips and TV suppers?
My experience is that when a woman doesn’t tell her other half about a man she’s meeting it’s because she sets far too much store by the encounter, and doesn’t want to be prevented from seeing this person.
You tell yourself you’re just meeting to catch up on each other’s lives. I’ve heard this story a hundred times.
It’s also my experience that, once this is in motion, neither hell nor high water will stop the two flames meeting. So I’ve little hope you will heed my advice.
Ask yourself how you would feel if you discovered your husband had seen a former lover without consulting you. You’d conclude that your spouse still had feelings for his ex and wasn’t sure he wouldn’t act on them.
Finally, what do you hope to gain from this meeting? If the old attraction is there, you’ll be tempted to stray. If it’s not, won’t you just feel sad that passion has turned to ashes? And if you seek friendship, why can’t you simply introduce him to your husband? Then everything’s above board. - Daily Mail