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QUESTION: My partner and I had a vibrant sex life when we first got together, but ten years down the line things have got a bit staid. He recently said he’d like us to try some “role play” and has suggested a doctor and sexy nurse session. I know he used to do this kind of thing with his ex. I don’t want to be a killjoy, but I feel frozen at the idea. What can I do?
ANSWER: Oh lordy, is your partner the sort of person who likes a nice game of charades of Christmas? I do find the world sharply divides into those who love “let’s pretend” and those who would prefer to eat their own eyeballs.
I’d like to think that Colin Firth occasionally does his Mr Darcy for his beautiful wife Livia. However, those people who find flights of fantasy don’t come naturally are mortified at the thought of amateur dramatics in the bedroom.
So, while I don’t think your partner’s suggestion is particularly outrageous, I understand why it doesn’t rock your boat.
There’s also something disquieting about the fact he used to play out these fantasies with an ex. Few of us like being asked to do something erotic that’s expressly connected with a previous lover, because it’s like having a ghost in bed with you.
Each time you fall in love, you have to find a new modus operandi. The fact your sex life was so “vibrant” in the early years shows you are capable of great sex without play-acting.
It sounds as if the pair of you have run into standard issue problems entirely related to over-familiarity. When you are ten years into a relationship, it’s easy to slump into lazy routines and to take your other half for granted. Your partner is right that you should address what’s going on, but there clearly needs to be wider-ranging discussions.
There are far simpler steps that help couples get back on track, such as assigning dedicated time to regaining intimacy. You also need to ditch your routines in favour of spontaneous sex in the afternoon, the shower or even outdoors.
Remember this is a two-way process. It’s important you tell your partner what you believe would reinvigorate your love life. Do you, for example, long for more foreplay, greater tenderness and weekends away (most women do)? If he makes strides to fulfil your criteria, could you find some halfway house that helps meet his fantasy requirements? Isn’t it possible some new, sexy lingerie worn under a plain white shirt would inflame him just as much as a nurse’s outfit?
The one fantasy that couples I know have found easiest to enact is the “stranger in a bar” scenario.
The concept is simple and even the least theatrical of people have confessed to enjoying it. Basically, you arrange to meet your partner in a glamorous or entertaining bar that you’ve never previously visited and attempt to chat them up, as if you have no previous knowledge of them.
In other words you treat them as the desirable stranger they were at the beginning of your relationship. Flirtation is an element of passion that often disappears some years after moving in together and this is an effective way of bringing that excitement back.
Anything that puts the spark back in your eyes will help make flames in the boudoir. - Daily Mail