Johannesburg - South Africa rocks. But like anywhere else, it also has its fair share of annoying people, those whose irritating habits make your blood boil, or contribute to another grey hair.
On the road, in shopping malls, on the phone, online or sitting across the table from you… that’s where you’ll find them.
In the interests of raising awareness, and in the hope that repeat offenders might modify their behaviour, I put it out on Facebook: “Who are the most annoying people?”
Well, they come in many shapes and forms, but here are the people who take top honours for being thoughtless, arrogant and, not least, plain rude:
Third party phone snoopers
You’re on the phone having a conversation. While you’re talking, another person in the room joins the conversation, giving her opinion loudly, asking questions and butting in. Unspeakably irritating.
Office noise-makers
People who click ballpoint pens on and off incessantly, eat lunch loudly at their desks, smacking their lips throughout, or chatter away on the phone about personal stuff at full volume while you try to concentrate on work. They’re the bane of an open-plan office.
Passive-aggressive guests
You invite an acquaintance for lunch and she says she’s not fussy about what’s on the menu. But when she arrives, she says she can’t eat anything you have slaved over for the past two hours because she’s allergic or just doesn’t like it. Well, go out and buy a takeaway then.
Choppers and changers
People who habitually change arrangements or reschedule meetings at the last moment. Stick to Plan A, please. It makes life simpler.
‘Deaf’ teenagers
Teens wear headphones like extra body appendages. You can scream their names until you’re blue in the face and they remain blissfully deaf. But if you call them on their cellphones, they’ll miraculously answer. The option is to wear headphones yourself, and ignore their requests for food and pocket money.
Earth mothers
These are the mothers who judge women who opted for Caesareans, or didn’t breast-feed for years.
They’re the moms who recycle their cloth nappies until they’re decidedly off-white, and frown on those of us who give their children antibiotics when they’re sick. Get a life, woman.
Competitive school moms
They’ve perfected the art of the put-down stare, and your lack of volunteering gusto (because you, um, work) is being recorded in black marks that will earn you and your child a one-way ticket to the land of unpopularity. A constant irritant, because you have to see them daily.
Expat Facebookers with a bone to pick
Those who left then spend an unhealthy amount of time bashing South Africa on Facebook, but also pining for Ouma rusks, biltong and Ghost Pops. Move on, buddy, and embrace what you chose.
Phone Philistines
You answer the phone and the stranger on the other end begins by asking “How are you?” without introducing themselves.
Even worse, they ask, “Who is speaking?” What’s it to you, and why hasn’t your company taught you telephone etiquette yet?
Conversation narcissists
Called “I specialists”, these people are instantly recognisable on Facebook because their threads are a navel-gazing narrative about what they’ve done/doing, where they are, and how they feel. In real life conversation, you’ll find that no matter the topic, they’ve soon turned it into something about themselves.
Cellphone addicts
Some even text while they drive, but all cellphone addicts are immune to social graces, like listening and making eye contact while having lunch with you.
Checking messages has become as compulsive as a crack fix, and some even have long, non-urgent conversations while you sit there feeling stupid.
Maddening mall rats
People who behave in malls as though they’re at home, having loud discussions at the top of the escalator, blindly pushing their trolley into your ankles or hogging the aisle while talking loudly on their cellphone. Totally inconsiderate.
Apathetic shop assistants
Staff in shops who are put out when they have to stop talking or slouching around to help you. You want to bang the table and remind them that they are not paid to socialise while you wait.
Nose pickers/snorters
You’ve seen him in the traffic, rooting it out. Enough to lose your breakfast. Then there are those who sniff and snort it back. Enough to lose your lunch as well. Use a tissue, or blow your nose, man!
Email time wasters
These are the people who send you pictures of kittens or links to videos of kittens, email you jokes so long that they suck 30 minutes of your time or send you pictures of inspirational/spiritual messages. They just don’t have enough to do.
Dead Sea cosmetic sellers
They’re from Israel and they stop you in the mall or at the airport, sometimes with the opening line: “Are you married?”
My personal life has nothing to do with you. Do you work for Mossad?
Hooter pushers
People who hoot the nano-second the traffic light changes to green, or in the case of taxis, because they see a potential passenger two blocks away. This is a Gauteng thing (although it was invented in Rome). It puts you in a killer mood.
Road hogging taxi drivers
Taxi drivers who don’t know what a verge is, who simply stop dead in the middle of the road to pick or drop off passengers. Beam me up, Scotty, before I blow a gasket! - The Star
* E-mail your most annoying candidates to [email protected] using the subject line, ‘Annoying People’.