London - Oscar Pistorius admitted he was “haunted” by his “dark side” in a devastating e-mail which was never shown during his murder trial, The Mail on Sunday has revealed.
In an emotional six-page message, the Paralympian confesses to causing “pain and humiliation” by bombarding an ex with 30 e-mails and phone calls a day, cheating on her, then keeping “secrets and lies” from her.
But the letter was not revealed to the judge despite offering an insight into the emotional instability of the 27-year-old. Writing to his ex, Samantha Taylor, during their breakup a few months before he met Reeva Steenkamp, Pistorius says: “Everyone has their darkness.
“The problem with personal truth is that as clean as the slate you want to portray may be, there are often very dark areas that haunt you. For most of my adult life I have had moments when I sabotage the good that I have and find myself back in the comfort of the instability that I had become accustomed to.”
The 2012 e-mail was subpoenaed by State prosecutors but never offered as evidence. Now experts say prosecutor Gerrie Nel should produce it when the case reopens on October 13 for sentencing.
The e-mail is printed in full in the new book, An Accident Waiting To Happen, written by Taylor’s mother Trish.
In the message, he says “I’m not used to having to think and consider others’ feelings” and confesses to an affair with Russian model Anastassia Khozissova.
“I should never have done that,” he wrote, “and I know it would have broken me if the roles were reversed.”
Samantha has told of how she feared that the “angry and possessive” Pistorius would kill her and revealed she once hid his gun after he flew into a rage.
Mail on Sunday