Feelings of the Time, No155, Nomita Rana in Delhi:
“Dear Diary,
Writing to you during these difficult times makes me think, ’was this how Anne Frank felt, when she wrote to you?’
A time different in so many ways from today’s, but also a lot similar in what we feel.
Uncertainty, hopelessness, fear, suffering, constant struggle to save humanity. I feel it all. I see it all in others as well.
Just yesterday, I heard my mother talking to papa about sending me to our village, to live with our family, until the situation in Delhi becomes better, while they would both stay in Delhi and continue living as they are now.
They have been worried about my health and safety since a few days now, their worry only increasing everyday with the worsening situation in the capital.
Mumma told me yesterday that I should focus on keeping my self healthy and safety and that she or papa don’t care if I get less marks this semester, or don’t get admission into some prestigious institute or if this leads to my career not accelerating as fast as we would want it to.
That my health and life is more important to them than anything else.
While I do appreciate them telling me this, I feel awkward hearing it, and guilty for even thinking about it.
I don’t think I have learnt to prioritise things in this manner for myself.
For all these years, I have been trying to do my best, to do as much as possible, so much that I have forgotten how to say “no”.
I don’t know if I can do it now.
I fear that some day I might find myself saying “Bas ye aur kar liya hota to aaj…”
Someone told me not to be sad or cry over things that can be achieved again through our efforts.
That someone lost their father this week.
A man I never met but felt I knew.
I saw my parents crying over their lost friends, and friends devastated due to loss of loved ones this last week.
I continue to feel all this irreparable loss every second and it makes me want to cry.
Even what this person told me allows me to cry in such situations, but I find myself holding back every time.
Maybe I’m terrified that once I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.
So I keep denying myself this outlet, until I find myself in a situation where taking a break might be okay.
But I should do it for myself, cause how will I help others if I, myself am not okay.
Something my family and friends keep reminding me of, very frequently.
I refuse to lose hope that everything will be better again, that someday, we all will heal.
I want you to do the same. To not lose hope.
Here, look at this picture, of me standing in middle of this beautiful spring bloom at my university, just two days before lockdown last year, feeling that sweet breeze and sunlight, flowers swaying and happy.
Yes, right here, I would like to hit a pause button and feel it all over again.
This was first published on the Facebook page of blogger Mayank Austen Soofi as part of his coverage using reader stories to depict the unfolding pandemic.