The fact is, people generally don’t like fake things. We don’t. It’s just that simple. Unless, of course, you’re referring to guys and fake breasts…
Think about it. A guy goes on a dating site. He finds a woman he thinks is attractive, he stalks her profile and finds out they have stuff in common (like killing pandas, clubbing reindeer, reading the collected works of Dahmer and loving the outdoors “like sooooo much”). He sends her a message. They chat. Eventually, they agree to meet up for coffee.
When they arrive at the meeting point, Brenda is not actually 24 with a rather delightful chest. She’s actually called Brett, is 42 and will do terrible things to you involving a hosepipe and a garden shed.
Not quite what he had in mind.
This is why people don’t like fake things. It’s unpleasant.
Thus there was a definite sense of surprise when I found out – thanks to an article in The Independent by Eleanor Stanford – about Cloud Girlfriend, a website that hires out real girls to be your fake girlfriend.
This stuff could not possibly be made up…
It’s a “bizarre twist to our continuing preoccupation with online identity”, as Stanford so eloquently put it. I hazard to go one step further: it’s just bizarre and twisted.
For a fee, Cloud Girlfriend will connect you to your own imaginary perfect woman, who you can communicate with publicly on social networking sites.
You can even tell people you’re “in a relationship” with one of these women.
A real woman will be hired to play the role of your girlfriend. She will post on your wall and comment on your status updates and photos.
Here’s the welcome message on www.cloudgirlfriend.com: “Cloud Girlfriend. The Social Network Girlfriend.
Step 1: Define your perfect girlfriend.
Step 2: We bring her into existence.
Step 3: Connect and interact with her publicly on your favourite social network.
Step 4: Enjoy a public long-distance relationship with your perfect girl.”
Personally, I have a suspicion this “perfect girl” is more likely to be a Brett than a Brenda.
Scarily, this is what’s written at the top of the page: “Due to high demand we are only able to accommodate a limited number of users to the site. Register early to get in line.”
The whole point of this is for guys to attract women by virtue of another woman’s compliments.
It works on the idea that women are more attracted to a guy when he’s taken than when he’s single. It’s the whole wanting what you can’t have scenario.
As the site’s tagline says: “The best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one.”
This seems a little dim. Are women really that twisted that they will only find a guy attractive because he has a significant other? Surely not.
But given that there is a market for something like Cloud Girlfriend, there must be some truth in it.
But this is entirely secondary. The biggest concern is this: what happens if the person actually starts to believe the fake girl is real? What if he deludes himself into thinking she’s really his girlfriend? It’s not too far-fetched, trust me.
Let’s be honest, the type of people who will make use of this kind of a service are not the most clear-thinking individuals in the world. They are the type who survive on websites, forums and the little characters that live in their minds. The reason they don’t have real-life girlfriends is because they operate just barely on the outskirts of real life.
Give these people girlfriends – even fake ones – and they are invariably going to believe they are in a real relationship. If you’ve watched Lars and the Real Girl, you’ll get what I mean.
This fictional character will become all too real and will stop them from having decent relationships with people they are meant to be interacting with – real people at work, school, sports meetings, clubs, pubs and stuff.
These are the kinds of guys who will cock-block themselves while on the jol.
A good-looking lass will come up to him and say something like, “Hey you. How you this evening? Care to buy a lady a drink?”
He’ll respond with something like, “Um… nah, I don’t think I can. My girlfriend wouldn’t be happy.”
This is the guy who will carry his iPad around Gateway just so that he can go shopping with his “girlfriend”.
He is also the dude who will invite you and your lady on a double-date, but there will only be the three of you. His Facebook page will be projected on a screen so she can comment on his supper-time status updates. “Hahaha. She just said ‘Lol’” will be a regular statement.
The guy will talk into his monitor all the time, have oily lip marks smudged on his screen and will have developed an incredible ability to scan through pictures at light speed – picking out the bikini ones first, obviously.
People don’t like fake things. And if you like the idea of a fake girlfriend, you should probably log off, go outside and get a healthy dose of reality. Immediately.
Wanting a fake girlfriend is a medical condition normally found in prepubescent boys. But it has been known to manifest in males of low intelligence. If your friend displays any of the following syndromes, a good beating with a hardcover book is the only solution.
l The iGirlfriend Syndrome: If he calls her iJennifer, you can be pretty sure he’s gone digital love crazy.
l The Far-Flung Friend Syndrome: If he’s your best mate and you have no mutual friends or you have never met her, you’re safe to assume she doesn’t actually exist.
l The She-Lives-Far-Away-But-I-Don’t-Travel Syndrome: If he says she lives in Joburg (or Cape Town or Befokfontein or whatever) but he hasn’t left town for months, then she doesn’t exist.
l The ET-No-Phone-Home Syndrome: Every guy has to check in when out on a boys’ night. If he doesn’t have to, she isn’t real.
l The Port Elizabeth Syndrome: If he says she’s from Port Elizabeth and “she’s super hot, dude”, you know he’s lying. Hot girls don’t live in PE. - Sunday Tribune