By Ginny Graves
For years, women have been advised to jump through multiple hoops to get in the mood for sex. Buy racy lingerie! Light candles! Take a bubble bath!
Now, research shows that some of us could marinate in bubbles until our entire bodies pruned up and still not be ready for action. The reason, experts say, is that half of all women don't feel like having sex until after they've been physically stimulated.
That flips the traditional feel-horny-get-naked sequence (based on the way a guy functions) on its head. It also validates the fact that, for many women, it's perfectly normal to go days without a come-hither glance at our partners. Instead, try kissing and fooling around (not candles) to light your flame.
That's just one of the many secrets of the female sex drive. Want to learn more? Read on for more answers to desire mysteries, including why yours comes and goes, when it's likely to peak and how to give it a kick in the pants.
Six things that supersize your sex drive:
- 1. Fantasising
Men go there all the time, but "many women are still surprisingly squeamish about using fantasy".
"That's unfortunate, because it's a powerful libido-boosting tool," says Dennis Sugrue, co-author of Sex Matters For Women (Guilford Press, R260, Exclusivebooks.com).
Experts emphasise that fantasy is just that: pretend - a harmless way of exploring things you find arousing. If your inner censor objects, remember that these images are for your mind only, so they can be as tame or racy as you want.
- 2. Thinking like a guy
"For many busy women, sex is one more item on the to-do list, which makes it seem like a chore - and an avoidable one at that," says Dennis.
"Besides, from the time they're young, boys are taught to see sex as scoring or getting lucky, while girls are taught to approach sex cautiously or withhold it altogether."
Instead, try to view sex as the antidote to your frenzied life, a time to relax and enjoy. Hey, it is sex!
- 3. Working out
It's got nothing to do with getting thinner - the actual act of exercise primes your body for sex. Recent research found that women with low sexual arousal who did 20 minutes of fairly intense cardiovascular exercise (the equivalent of a fast jog or a spinning class) before watching an erotic movie became more aroused than when they watched the film without working out. Try a brisk walk before a big night - why not?
- 4. Eating right
"Good blood circulation is critical for sexual responsiveness. Keep your cholesterol and blood pressure down by eating a diet rich in whole grains, fruits, vegetables and lean protein," says Suzanne Trupin, MD and professor of gynaecology.
"Obesity is fuelling many more health-related sexual problems." What's more, most fatty foods make you sluggish and tired - a definite turnoff.
- 5. Getting enough sleep
When clinical psychologist Dr Carol Rinkleib Ellison surveyed more than 2 600 women, she found that one of the most common causes of lack of desire and frequency was fatigue. Aside from helping you feel more rested, sleep gives you the presence of mind to deal with mood-killing stress.
- 6. Drinking coffee
Really! Caffeine increases dopamine, a brain neurotransmitter that plays a role in feeling pleasure, including sexual pleasure, says Ellen Albertson, a nutritionist who has studied aphrodisiacs. "That may be why research shows that coffee drinkers are more sexually active than non-coffee drinkers."
Six things that shrink your sex drive:
- 1. Bad body image
Researchers have found that women who are satisfied with their bodies are more likely to initiate sex and have more orgasms than less-confident women. Obesity can also be a buzz-kill. One study found that only two percent of the healthy-weight participants reported low desire, while 50 percent of obese participants did. Researchers aren't yet sure why, but they did find that weight had a bigger impact on women's sexual happiness than men's.
- 2. Pregnancy fears
A recent study found that women's worries about unwanted pregnancy could be the cause of a lack of interest in sex.
- For some, the Pill
Oral contraceptives may assuage pregnancy fears, but they can have a downside. "Many patients complain about the sexual side effects of the Pill," says Dr Trupin. "It actually decreases your levels of testosterone , lowering your sex drive."
Triphaisc pills, which change hormone levels throughout the month, may have less of an effect than monophasic versions, which provide a stable dose of hormones all month long. If triphasics don't help, experts recommend non-hormonal options, like diaphragms, IUDs or condoms.
- 4. Chronic stress
Biologically speaking, stress lowers testosterone, which is why a bad day at the office can wreck the mood for both men and women. But, because sex tends to be more mental for women, feeling tense is a bigger problem for them. "stress is distracting - it makes your brain go into overdrive and interferes with your ability to focus," says Dr Leonardo R. Derogatis, sexual health expert.
"That interferes with your ability to get in the mood." Engaging in a relaxing activity after work, whether it's doing yoga or listening to music, will relax you and heighten your mood.
- 5. Relationship problems
Tension in a relationship weighs far more heavily on women than on men, experts say. For men, sex is as simple as getting an erection. But women need to have their minds engaged - to feel relaxed, cared for and emotionally connected to their partner.
- 6. Depression
"You lose interest in things you would typically enjoy, including sex, when you're depressed," says Dr Sandra Leiblum, director of a sexual health centre. In fact, a small study showed that serious blues were a factor in 43 percent of women with low sexual desire. Treating the disease, whether with therapy or drugs, is critical, however some doctors find that certain antidepressants can interfere with desire. - Courtesy of Glamour magazine
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