Durban - “I met my second husband three months after separating from my first,” says Carol Howard.
“In hindsight it was too soon. I didn’t give myself the time I needed to process the collapse of my marriage. I didn’t deal with the issues that were mine, and so I carried them with me into my next relationship.
“In my defence, falling in love with someone is not something you plan, it just happens and my new marriage had the sort of magic that fairy tales speak off.
“However, we were both struggling with our own deep-seated issues that played themselves out in our relationship – with as many lows as there were highs. Two years into our marriage I was confronted with my greatest fear. I found out that my husband had been having an affair,” says Howard, who explains that she grew up in a household plagued by infidelity.
“I watched my mother’s spirit diminish as my father went from one affair to the next.
“When it happened to me my world collapsed.”
Now, seven years later, Howard says the experience was probably the best thing that could ever have happened to her.
“The pain I went through gave me the drive and determination to deal with my own ‘stuff’.
“As I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, a whole new world opened up for me. I encountered many challenges along the way which helped me strengthen aspects of myself that were weak. I have met the most incredible people, who seemed to appear out of nowhere at precisely the right time to help me along certain stretches of my journey – some of whom have become my closest friends.
“I have learnt to have faith in myself, and as a result have done things that I never would have thought possible.
“My journey has taught me that the most important relationship you have in life is with yourself and if it is not a healthy, loving relationship, then there is little chance that you will have a healthy, loving relationship with anybody else.”
Knowing that there were surely many women like her, who found themselves unexpectedly single, Howard began Design Your Life with her friend Sharon Desfontaines.
The businesswomen created the Design Your Life conferences and workshop company geared at women who are feeling disempowered and on their own.
According to the duo, “Our aim is to equip and inspire women who are separated, divorced or widowed with the right tools, the right plan and the right approach to this transformational period in their lives.’’
One of their conferences is titled Live Life Successfully in the Single Lane, and it includes psychiatric nurse, Carol Jones.
Jones is chief operating officer of Cresthill Rehabilitation Centre. She qualified as a specialist psychiatric nurse in Scotland, and developed an interest in the field of addiction and eating disorders, having opened and managed various psychiatric facilities and rehabilitation centres throughout her career.
She says she sees common problems among the majority of women who find themselves unexpectedly divorced, widowed or separated.
“Many women express a void and a feeling of emptiness. There is also a sense of loss and loss of identity.
“In the field of addiction, we often liken the addictive process or behaviour to that of having a lover or ‘a friend’. The bottle becomes the woman’s newfound companion, the gambling or sex addiction becomes the new distraction. This gives women a sense of being.
“I see a definite increase in female alcoholics. This is perhaps due to social independence and increased exposure to alcohol. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and although it may initially numb those negative feelings, if not controlled, it quickly spirals out of control and women are finding themselves at the clinic door looking for help,” says Jones.
She explains that addiction is a disease of progression and the consequences are often felt when the disease is quite entrenched. Loss of a job, a car accident, non or no performance at work, loss of friendships and relationships are some of the consequences.
“I am also seeing an increase in codeine addiction.
“Codeine is a narcotic used for treating pain. This addiction may start off as a legitimate measure for pain control and become compulsive. However, the impact of being in what I call a ‘codeine cloud’, includes tolerance, which develops after continued use of the drug and requires the user to take more of the codeine in order to feel the same pain-relieving or other effects.
“They also become preoccupied with getting more codeine. The prescription may run out or be almost out and that’s all the user will be able to think about.”
Jones says another way in which women negatively cope with the loneliness is with sex.
“Sex addiction is also on the increase. The need to be wanted and be seen to be attractive to men prompts women to ‘test’ their sexual attractiveness. Multiple sexual partners and promiscuous behaviour often following large amounts of alcohol consumption sets the stage for uncontrolled sexual behaviour.
“Affirmation of who we are as women is often reinforced when men make comments about our bodies. More and more women are looking for solace to try to get attention from the opposite sex and feel a sense of acceptance. Eating disorders also stem from this need to feel attractive.”
Jones’s advice is to be cautious of becoming too externally focused. - The Mercury