I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to movies; usually I'll give directors the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best. So far, the only movie I've walked out of was Replicant, the one with Jean-Claude Van Damme as a Seth Effrican serial killer.
I would have walked out of Rollerball (M-Net, tonight at 8pm), but I had been flown to Germany especially to see it and interview the cast. So that would have been a little rude.
Rollerball was directed by John McTiernan. And that's what made this movie initially seem promising - he revitalised the action genre with Die Hard; Predator is a pulp sci-fi classic; and his remake of Norman Jewison's The Thomas Crown Affair was a witty and stylish affair.
Rollerball is a remake of a culty sci-fi classic made in 1975 and directed by Norman Jewison. The original was set in a dystopian future where countries are ruled by corporations and the masses are kept in line through sports entertainment - Rollerball - a bloody blend of motor-cross racing, roller-skating and American football. Rollerball is used to control the populace by demonstrating the futility of individuality.
One player, Jonathan E (James Caan) rises to the top, fights for his personal freedom and threatens the corporate control.
McTiernan's remake is a rather messy affair, for many reasons: Chris Klein is the lead. Chris Klein, best known as Oz from the first American Pie films, turns in a performance that makes Paul Walker look like Bruce Willis.
And Chris Klein will never, ever be a substitute for James Caan. Jean Reno, looking even more glum than usual, slums it as the film's villain, Petrovich. It's just wrong to have an actor as good as Reno in a film this bad. He said his reason for starring in Rollerball was that he was going through a difficult time in his life, and he wanted to explore his dark side.
I suspect his "difficult time" was not being able to get out of the movie, or maybe he was in need of some quick cash. The remake's plot can fit on the back of a postage stamp: WWE with motorbikes. And a silly conspiracy. Petrovich, the money-hungry mastermind who controls the "deadly future sport", figures he can snag a really good TV distribution deal for his show if the players die.
Klein and sidekicks LL Cool J and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos don't go for it, and...a badly edited mish-mash of unimpressive action sequences follows. But, as usual, the cast were exceedingly gracious about the film - even if they couldn't completely hide their sheepishness at being associated with what was set to be one of the biggest duds of 2002. "It's like a video game," said LL Cool J, adding that it's really aimed at kids "who like shows like WWE wrestling".
Romijn-Stamos, the film's resident eye candy - despite attempts by the filmmakers to transform her into Mean Hardcore Chick by putting a teeny scar on her face - said without a hint of sarcasm that she preferred doing movies like Rollerball and (the superior) X-Men because "the focus is on the action not the acting".
Romijn-Stamos earned herself a Razzie Award nomination for Worst Supporting Actress for her part in Rollerball.
Friday
There's more dumbed-down action in Death Warrant (SABC1 at 22.00), but at least it's not a remake wrecking the memory of a perfectly good film. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a maverick Canadian Mountie with an impenetrable accent who is sent undercover into a maximum security prison where he finds 1980s sitcom star Benson (Robert Guillaume).
The prison has had a spate of suspicious deaths and the mumbling Mountie is on the case, with Guillaume at his side, and countless crazy inmates lining up for roundhouse kicks to the head. It's a trashy B-movie, but it's fun.
Saturday
It's sometimes a good sign when a novelist adapts his own work for the screen - even if it doesn't always work for Stephen King - but The Bombmaker (SABC3 at 20.00) by Stephen Leather, who wrote the original novel and adapted it for TV - turned out okay.
Both parts of this two-part TV miniseries will be screened on Saturday. The Bombmaker is a thriller about an ex-IRA bombmaker who is forced out of retirement when her seven-year-old daughter is kidnapped. The ransom - to build the biggest bomb Britain has ever faced.
Sunday
"Crime is the disease. Meet the cure!" You've gotta love those 1980s action movie taglines.
Sylvester Stallone is Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, the toughest cop in the universe and he's on the trail of a band of fascist skinheads (rather than the usual peace-loving fascists) who are trying to kill (Sly's ex wife) Brigitte Nielsen in Cobra (e.tv at 20.00).
It's directed by George P Cosmatos, who brought us similarly manly fare like Rambo: First Blood Part 2 and Tombstone. What can be said about Spider-Man (M-Net at 20.00) that hasn't already been said? It's a first-rate comic book adaptation - easily the best since Superman (1978); it's got a heart-warming and family-friendly story; great effects; and there's a sequel due in July. If you've seen it before, it holds up well for repeat viewings.
In the week
It's that time of year again --time for red carpets, "aww, it's an honour just to be nominated" loser speeches, and excessive fawning over and preening by every celeb worthy of the guest list - it's time for the Award Ceremonies.
Sunday's 61st Annual Golden Globe Awards will be screened on M-Net on Monday at 20.00 (sorry, ER fans - neither the show or the cast were nominated this year), and will showcase the best of film and television as a precursor to the Oscars and the Emmy Awards.
It's nice to see the most of the nominated TV series in the Drama and Comedy categories are, or have been on our screens - CSI, Nip/Tuck, Six Feet Under, 24, The West Wing, Monk, The Office, Sex and the City and Will & Grace.
So, for all the less-watchable stuff out there, it's nice to know we're getting the pick of the good stuff too.
Now, be honest: is anyone else thinking that that The Amazing Race's (SABC3, Tuesday at 19.30) whinging-
crying-impossible-selfish Flo is proving a little flou?
The woman is impossible. If I ever run into Zach im buying the guy a beer; hell he can have an open tab on me. In last week's episode Flo was her usual impossible self, constantly crying and sitting around looking helpless.
"I think I'm going to be sick...I can't do this...Zach, Zach, you have to help me I'm too weak...My arms are too sjort...I want to go home..." and on and on she whinged, princess-like in her belief that only she was battling. I wonder, was silly Flo, who can't even read maps picked just to drive Zach mad and give the others someone to snigger at?
A friend suggested I'm being too harsh on her; after all she just lost the new love of her life (one of those unnaturally good-looking twins) and she's just moping. Of course, for poor Zach, the other side of Flo is a screaming banshee who blames him for anything that goes wrong.
As much as I like supercool, I'm-trying-to-stay-calm Zach, there's only team left to cheer: Go! Oh Brothers. Hopefully they will take the big prize in this week's final episode; after all they can at least read a map. If they do take the million dollar prize, it's guaranteed Flo will be wailing that she did all the work and Zach let her down. Again.
The original reality gameshow, Survivor, is back next week in The Amazing Race timeslot - this time things are made more interesting when the Survivor: Pearl Island contestants are not allowed any belongings apart from the clothes on their backs.
Crossing Jordan (SABC2, Tuesday at 22.00) is on it's way to becoming another promising addition to a night that's already packed with rich televised goodness. It's a little bit CSI-ish, but with a twist - Jordan (Jill Hennessy), "sexy, smart and fearless medical examiner" who returns from LA to work for the Massachusetts State Coroner's Office.
This week's episode sees Jordan knee-deep in strippers and Russian gangsters, when she investigates a murder-suicide at a local gentleman's club.
Unconvinced by the police theory of a distraught jealous lover, Jordan's suspicions are confirmed by the arrival of an FBI agent, but it isn't until she role-plays with her father that she peels away the deceptions surrounding the deaths.
DSTV
In his day, Charlton Heston was an Oscar-winning actor; the thinking-man's action star. Now, he's relegated to cameo appearances opposite Jean-Claude Van Damme in films like The Order. One of Heston's best films, Ben-Hur (TCM Sunday at 15.15) received a record 12 Oscar nominations (including Best Actor for Heston) losing out only in the Best Screenplay category, a record only recently equalled by Titanic.